A Sea Change: Obedience is Not the Goal
[Excerpt reprinted from Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by L.R.Knost. Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages; Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood; and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline by L.R.Knost also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
“Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires.”
James 3:4
Oh, the toddler years, those delightful days when little ones begin to discover that they are, indeed, separate individuals from their parents and begin to test the waters to see how far out to sea their little boats can take them when they’ve got a full head of steam. This is the age when parents begin to wonder how in the world to tether their little steamboats to the docks or scuttle them in shallow waters to slow them down.
Obedience becomes a hot topic at moms’ groups and men’s breakfasts, at playdates and on park benches as parents wrestle with this new developmental stage that often shows up, unwelcome and unannounced, and the desperate, bewildered question being debated is always the same:
“How can I get my child to obey?”
Take a moment and examine what that question really means, though. Does it mean, “How can I control my child?” or does it mean, “How can I help my child learn self-control?” It’s an important distinction because the first meaning is external and temporary (i.e. only effective as long as the controlling factors are ever-present and escalate as the child grows) and the second meaning is internal and intrinsic. In the first, the rudder of a child’s ship is firmly removed from the child’s hands again and again as the parent and child struggle for control of the ship. In the second, the rudder remains in the child’s hands as the parent guides, instructs, and leads the way with their little steamboat sheltered alee of the parent ship.
Parents often feel lost at sea, themselves, when it comes to the best course for guiding and growing their children in the storm-tossed waves and murky waters of childhood behaviors, and many churches try to meet parent’s needs by offering parenting books and classes. A vast number of those resources are, unfortunately, based on a punitive, authoritarian model. These books, and the classes based on the books, claim to be Biblical, but miss the heart of the Father entirely and mislead and even intimidate parents into believing that they must train their children into instant, unquestioning obedience in order to raise their children ‘God’s way.’
Consider, though, that Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruit.” (Matthew 7:16) referring to how we will recognize his children. And what is the fruit of the Spirit? Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Gentleness. Faithfulness. Self-control. What’s missing? Nothing. God’s Word is perfect. And yet obedience is not included as a fruit of the Spirit. It is not mentioned as a measure of love for God or evidence of a relationship with God. That certainly doesn’t mean that God doesn’t want us to listen to his wise counsel and remain within the safe boundaries he’s shared with us. What it does mean is that it’s a heart issue, not an obedience issue, and he wants our trust and thoughtful, considered cooperation, not our fear-driven, mindless obedience.
Did you know, in fact, that the word obey doesn’t even appear in the original texts of the Bible? When the English translators of the King James version of the Bible encountered the Hebrew words hupakouo/hupakoe and shema/lishmoa they discovered that there wasn’t an exact English equivalent, so they chose the word hearken in their translations which subsequently became an archaic term and was later changed to obey.24 So, what exactly do the original words in the Bible mean?
Hupakouo/hupakoe – to hear from above; to listen for; to lend an ear to1,2,3
Shema/lishmoa – to understand, to internalize, to ponder, to reflect upon1,2,3
And, in the negative form, rather than the word disobedience in the original texts, there is…
Parakouo – to close one’s ears to; to ignore1,2,3
The same mistranslation also occurs from the original Greek texts of the New Testament where peitho and peitharcheo are translated into, respectively, obey and disobey but actually mean…
Peitho – to be persuaded; to be moved; to respond25
Peitharcheo – to remain unpersuaded; to be unmoved by; to be unresponsive to25
Also translated into obey in English are the Greek words phulasso and teron and their various conjugations, all of which mean to watch, to observe carefully, to give consideration to25.
Taken together, the meaning of what is now translated obey in the original text of the Bible is more accurately read ‘listen to, thoughtfully consider, and respond to.’ That is a far, far different meaning than the ‘instant obedience’ often held up as the epitome of Christian faith and evidence of love for God and, by extension, the goal of so-called ‘Biblical parenting.’
Before we address the parenting conundrum of instant obedience versus thoughtful consideration, let’s look at several verses in the Bible with the original meanings restored:
He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the Word of God and obey listen to, thoughtfully consider, and respond to it.” (Luke 11:28)
Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey listen to, thoughtfully consider, and respond to my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. (John 14:23)
Children, obey listen to, thoughtfully consider, and respond to your parents in the Lord, for this is right. (Ephesians 6:1)
One other interesting note is that the word translated punish in the English versions of the Bible is from the Hebrew word avon and from the Greek kolasis/kolazo. Look at the contrast in meanings:
Punish (English) – to inflict a penalty upon; to exact retribution; to make suffer26
Avon (Hebrew) – to carry guilt; to bear one’s own iniquity1,2,3
Kolasis/kolazo (Greek) – removed; separated25
The word used in English translations of the Bible, punish, conveys an external infliction of negative consequences, while the original words, avon (Hebrew) and kolasis/kolazo (Greek) convey internal, self-imposed consequences (i.e. carrying the weight of guilt/shame) and natural consequences (i.e. being estranged).
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment bearing one’s own iniquity, carrying guilt, feeling shame, being estranged. (1 John 4:18)
Jesus came to take our place, to bear our iniquities, to carry our guilt, to free us from shame, and to reunite us with our Father, and the literal translation conveys that truth perfectly.
The thing is, instant obedience and thoughtless compliance based on fear of punishment will always be an external and temporary ‘fix’ for behavior issues, as evidenced by the increasingly defiant and disconnected Israelite nation in the Old Testament, while thoughtful consideration and cooperation are internal, a heart-deep and soul-to-soul connection inspired by compassion, respect, and communication. Consider this passage from The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline:
Someone once wrote, “Obedience is doing what you’re told, no matter what’s right. Morality is doing what’s right, no matter what you’re told.” History preserved the quote, but not the source with any credibility, but it’s a wise statement nonetheless.
Growing children with an inner compass that guides their steps toward kindness and compassion and generosity of spirit is far, far and away superior to training children to operate on automatic pilot. Parents often focus so much time and energy on trying to make their children obey in the small moments of life that they forget to step back and take a panoramic view of how their parenting choices may affect their children’s life course.
‘Instant obedience’ is the new catch-phrase in many popular parenting articles and books, but the reality is that, while instant obedience may be convenient for parents in the moment, it can have powerful negative impacts on the adults their children will become.
Training children into instant obedience is the equivalent of disabling their inner guidance system and strapping on a remote-controlled rocket. The end result may be adults who are easily controlled by others or adults who are deeply divided, constantly fighting the external controls, but hampered by an erratic, immature inner compass that never had the chance to develop properly.
Equipping children with a healthy, well-functioning internal guidance system, an inner compass, takes time, patience, and self-control on the part of the parents. Certainly not a convenient alternative! While it may not be convenient to slow down our hectic life pace and really connect with our children, it’s that connection that enables their internal guidance system to come online. While taking the time to really communicate may be a sacrifice, it’s in that communication that the directions on their inner guidance system are set. And, while working cooperatively with our children may take more time and effort, the fact is that inviting cooperation rather than forcing compliance raises leaders instead of reaping followers.
Clearly, teaching our children to control themselves is far more effective in the long-term than trying to control our children, but how, specifically, can we go about equipping them with those all-important internal controls?
- Model instead of manipulate.
- Invite instead of intimidate.
- Support instead of shame.
- Encourage instead of enrage.
- Teach instead of threaten.
- Listen instead of lecture.
- Help instead of hurt.
- Parent instead of punish.
Instant obedience and mindless compliance are poor goals, indeed, when raising children. A thoughtfully questioning, passionately curious, and humorously resourceful child who delights in inventing ‘compromises’ and who endlessly pushes the boundaries tends to become a thoughtful, passionate, resourceful adult who will change the world rather than being changed by the world.These are simple truths, and yet their effects are profound when we embrace them and incorporate them into our parenting. Connection, Communication, and Cooperation, the Three C’s of gentle parenting, are powerful and effective tools in guiding our children toward self-control to help them learn to steer their own ships, and, if we are to be fishers of men, then isn’t a ship headed out to sea exactly what each of us should be, anyway? Instead of mooring our children to the shore, let’s sail alongside them in the sometimes calm, sometimes stormy, but always glorious sea of life, keeping them sheltered on our leeward side until they are ready to sail alone.
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”
Isaiah 41:13
Related posts:
Stealing God’s Gift: Free Will is a Gift to be Nurtured, Not a Curse to be Broken
Spare the Rod: The Heart of the Matter
Did Jesus Have a Temper Tantrum?
Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting
Tattered Tapestries: Weaving Trust Through the Chaos
Fear Doesn’t Lead to Faith: Becoming Your Child’s Safe Place
Where Did You Learn Love, Child?
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
‘Myths and Facts About Night Wakings’ by Tracy Cassels, Ph.D. Candidate in Developmental Psychology – Friends of L.R.Knost Rock the Guest Posts while She Battles Cancer
When you hear of most people talk of night-wakings in infancy, there seems to be a fear that somehow if they aren’t stopped (usually by a parent), one will be looking at long-term problems that will follow your infant into childhood and beyond. It’s really rather dramatic, especially for something that is so biologically normal for infants. After all, they biologically expect to breastfeed and the fat content of our human milk is much lower than in other mammals, meaning our babies need to feed frequently to simply stay alive and grow. (This is why scheduled feeds with hours between are linked with a ‘failure to thrive’ condition in the short-term[1] and lower intelligence in the long-term[2].)
But what is the situation with respect to night wakings across infancy, toddlerhood, and childhood? At what point do frequent night wakings pose a problem that will follow a child long-term? Or is it simply a state like any other state?
Myth: Your baby should be sleeping through by 3 months of age.
Fact: Night waking is normal for babies and toddlers.
I think we first need to be clear that night waking itself isn’t really the “problem”. The “problem” is that when younger children wake, they often require parental help to fall back asleep, and so parents view night wakings as a problem[3] despite them being biologically normal and not contrary to healthy development. We must also be clear that when people believe their baby or child “sleeps through the night”, they can only refer to the fact that they do not wake when or if their child wakes. Babies and children can wake and fall asleep on their own again (though not all will) and so parents simply have no idea how often (if at all) these babies are rousing during the night.
How normal is night waking? Well, in a longitudinal study looking at night wakings between birth and 3 years of age, the percentage of infants/children who did not signal their parents at night from 6 months to 3 years only rose from 29.58% to 37.94%[4]. At 3 years of age, 25.6% of toddlers were waking and signaling their parents 3 or more nights per week. And notably, none of these children suffered any clinical problems or sleep disorders.
Myth: If your baby wakes regularly into the night, they will continue to wake in the night until you stop it.
Fact: Early night waking does not predict later night wakings.
What do I mean? Well, I mean that night waking in infancy does not predict night waking at later ages, at least based on a very comprehensive, longitudinal study out of Switzerland[5] and there are no studies I have found that counter this finding. In this particular study, which examined 493 children and their families, night wakings from 3 months of age onward actually rose consistently until age 4, when over half of the children were waking at least once per week and 22% were waking every night. These numbers then declined slightly until age 10, but even at age 10, over 20% of children were waking at least once per week and around 4% were waking nightly. Notably, night waking in infancy (< 1-2 years) was not predictive of night waking later, but later (> 1-2 years) night waking was associated with further night wakings. Now, what the authors do not measure, and acknowledge as a limitation, is how long the child wakes, the reason for waking, does the child require parental help, breastfeeding, etc.
Notably, night wakings were not associated with other sleep disturbances, such as bedtime resistance and sleep-onset problems (i.e., the ability to fall asleep relatively efficiently). This implies that they are distinct from other sleep behaviours that parents find problematic. Though only my opinion, my take is that these other behaviours reflect social or emotional issues (e.g., anxiety around sleep, stress) while night wakings are more physiological or biological in nature.
[Somewhat off topic but fascinatingly, they found that increases in bedsharing in the toddler years was associated with less bedtime resistance or sleep-onset problems, suggesting that children are yearning for contact and experiencing separation anxiety which bedsharing provides a “fix” to. The authors propose this as well as cohort effects found that children raised in an earlier time did not have the bedsharing rates later groups did and had much greater reported problems associated with bedtime resistance and sleep-onset problems.]
Myth: Night waking is a sign that something is wrong and you have to do something to fix it.
Fact: Night waking often reflects developmentally appropriate behaviour across all ages.
One of the highlights of the Swiss research mentioned above was the acknowledgement that night wakings may not be negative at all, but rather reflect the individual developmental stage of any child. As they so wonderfully put it,
[N]ight wakings must be understood in the context of cognitive, emotional, and physical changes that occur at different developmental stages. Some children may need parental proximity during the night as during the day depending on their developmental level, individual characteristics, and attachment behavior.[5]
In the toddler years, night wakings are often associated with children coming into bed with the parents as many toddlers are first put to sleep in their own room or bed. The degree of separation anxiety that toddlers feel can be great and they require the proximity to parents to help feel safe again[6], leading to night wakings and moving sleep locations. This same feeling of anxiety or security can come at all ages throughout childhood, though, and a child that still demonstrates this at 8 or 9 years of age is still in the developmentally normal range. There is also the issue of nighttime fears and nightmares which increase with age through childhood until a peak (often early childhood) then start to decrease again; these fears are considered cognitively, socially, and emotionally normal[7], but do result in night wakings that often require parental involvement. Then of course there are the reasons we all tend to wake at night (adults included): Going to the bathroom, too much on our mind, stress, etc. These things can affect children as well, especially school-age children who have to cope with school, evolving relationships with friends, possible stress in the household, and more.
***
Lots of people today worry that night wakings reflect a “problem” and that they need to deal with it or else they will face long-term sleep problems. Well, first let’s be clear that night wakings in infancy have no predictive power over later night wakings. So you can put that little myth to rest. Second, you can be sure that night wakings are entirely normal through toddlerhood and are not associated with any ill effects for your child. Not all children will experience them, but those that do are not experiencing anything problematic. And finally, many of the children who continue to wake do so for very normal, developmentally appropriate reasons; just as adults often wake at night too. There may be times when parents need to seek help about their child’s sleep, but these will often be due to more than just night wakings. Clusters of problems are what parents should be concerned with, not night wakings alone.
So the next time someone – anyone – tells you that you need to stop your child from waking in the night, you can – at the very least – smile, nod, and go ahead and do absolutely nothing. Without worry.
Tracy Cassels is the founder and primary writer for Evolutionary Parenting. She obtained her B.A. in Cognitive Science from the University of California, Berkeley and an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from the University of British Columbia. She is currently a Ph.D. Candidate in Developmental Psychology, also at the University of British Columbia, where she is studying how certain evolutionary factors affect children’s empathic behavior. She can also be found on Facebook here.
Related posts:
Parenting Through Cancer: Coping with Emotions
My Cancer Story, Part 1: The Diagnosis
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
‘Encouraging Safe Negative Emotional Expression (i.e. Stopping the Peeing, Spitting & Kicking)’ by Guggie Daly – Friends of L.R.Knost Rock the Guest Posts while She Battles Cancer
A common stage that can start around age 2 but typically peaks by age 4 is the passive aggressive communication of negative feelings. This stage occurs on its own as a normal milestone because the child needs to develop verbal skills and emotional intelligence. But, for some children, the stage can be especially difficult due to various factors.
First, if the child has been emotionally invalidated frequently by other caregivers or cherished peers, this behavior might become a way to passively share emotions or cry out for help, or even attempt to take back some semblance of control. Watch out for common invalidating comments. Take steps to remind the adult that your child is learning and respect is required. Briefly but firmly reassure the child when invalidation occurs. Some examples of emotional invalidation:
Oh, you’re ok! Stop crying about it.
Hey! There’s no reason to be angry about that, quit it.
Oh, you’re being a scaredy cat. That’s not scary at all.
Why are you crying over such a silly thing? Don’t be a baby.
I don’t care if that makes you angry. That doesn’t matter.
I can’t stand when you cry like that. Knock it off already.
Your brother isn’t scared of the dark. Why don’t you be like him?
Besides directly hurting the child, invalidating situations deprive the child of an opportunity to practice emotional processing and emotional regulation. It’s a loss of skill development. Try whenever possible to defend your child from invalidation.
Second, if the child is experiencing any language difficulties or delays, or other circumstances and conditions that interfere with easy verbal communication such as hearing difficulties, autism, hyperactivity, etc, then this stage can persist because it is simply easier to communicate physically. Or it might be impossible from the child’s perspective to communicate in ways society deems appropriate. In these cases, removing the obstacle when possible and working on coping skills can help create a bridge from the physical outbursts to safer expression.
When your child only expresses negative emotions in your presence
Many parents report that their children do not act out at school, daycare, the other parent’s home, in front of peers, etc. But, seemingly the moment they get home, suddenly the children are throwing things, screaming, spitting, wetting their pants…why the sudden change?
If your child only expresses negative emotions in your presence, or in specific areas such as only at home, this is a sign that she feels safest with you. It’s not a bad sign. It doesn’t mean she’s taking advantage of you or that you’re too soft on her. On the contrary, it means she has big emotions boiling up inside her and she only trusts you to see them.
Think about it. If you’re really stressed out about something you feel is perhaps slightly embarrassing (read: invalidating or shamed by others) you probably keep it hidden. You don’t cry your eyes out at work. You don’t curse and go on about someone who hurt you at the playground. You wait until you’re home and with a safe person to finally let go of your feelings. Children do this, too. And if your child is doing this frequently, it could be a sign that he feels shamed, judged, or invalidated. Remember this when you are facing frustrating behavior, so that you can respond in a way that builds the trust while developing the communication skills.
When your child begins to use emotional outbursts to exert control
Children who feel stifled emotionally can feel powerless. This can cause intense feelings of resentment and anxiety. The child is stuck experiencing what feels like a very large crisis, but the adults around him ignore it or punish him if he lets them know about it. He’s new to the world and has very few skills for handling it, so he’s lost in himself and lost to others.
As he begins to act out, he comes to find that certain ways of expressing his emotion not only feel good, letting off steam and relieving that anxiety inside him, but might also cause a reaction in others. If it feels good and gets him what he wants, it must be a good idea to keep using it!
Suddenly, you have a child who spits on you when she’s angry or pees her pants when she’s rejected. Who throws toys at children at the park when she feels left out or pretends to choke on food she doesn’t like.
Emotions don’t just melt away. They will find their way out, and in children who haven’t developed healthy emotional skills, they will come out in ways we dislike. Ways that might hurt others or cause negative reactions. Ways that tempt us to rain down punishment and consequences.
If your child is falling back on crude emotional expression to get your attention, it’s a sign that she needs your help, not punishment at this time. No, I’m not saying to condone the behavior or to go all wishy-washy. I’m warning against hyper focusing on the negative behavior to the point that skill-building is squeezed out. Even if the child is punished enough to be convinced to stop the emotional outburst, she still needs to learn healthy ways to process and express her emotions. The need is still there. Start processing with her.
Great. So how is this done?
Let’s use a real life example of a 3 year old who is fully potty trained and does not wet her pants at preschool or with her father. But, she frequently wets her pants when with her mother. Not only does this warn us that she feels safe in her mother’s presence and that she has some big emotions building up inside her, but the child has also begun to use the emotional outbursts to cause reactions in others.
For example, when the mother walked away from the 3 year old to care for the baby, the 3 year old wet her pants.
At this point, a lot of different approaches could be taken ranging from shaming and punishment to completely ignoring it and remaining emotionless while cleaning up the mess. These are merely superficial responses, however, and do nothing to encourage her to develop emotional skills.
Let’s say the mother has just come back from caring for the baby and the 3 year old is sitting on the floor with wet pants and with an angry and slightly rejected expression on her face. What does the mom do for her?
She gets down on one knee, moving close to her, making eye contact and making physical contact such as by touching her arm gently. While keeping physical and eye contact, she begins assessing the situation.
Hey. I see that you peed in your pants. You must be feeling pretty embarrassed right now. Can you use your words to tell me why you peed your pants? Pause for response. You were feeling angry because I left you to help the baby, huh. It made your heart hurt? Pause for response.
You know, it’s okay to feel angry. That’s a strong feeling, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Everyone feels angry sometimes. When I feel angry, it makes my stomach squeeze. What does it feel like for you? Pause for response.
Next time when you feel angry, I want you to use your words to tell me. Say, “I’m angry!” Let’s try it right now. Ready? Tell me! Pause for response. Remember, instead of peeing your pants, it’s okay to tell me that you’re angry. I’ll always listen to you.
And if you begin to recognize individual triggers, briefly remind her before they happen:
I’m going to focus on caring for your sister right now. Remember, if you feel alone, come grab my hand and tell me instead of peeing your pants.
I’m going to leave the room to make dinner. If you feel scared inside, come and get me, ok? Remember to keep your pants dry.
Tonight, we’re going to be very busy with the baby at the park. If you start to feel angry, be sure to tell me with your big girl words! I will listen.
Remember to keep it as simple or long as needed, pausing when needed and following cues to go where the conversation leads you. As children begin to realize how much connection they can make with words, lots of thoughts might tumble out in little situations like this. Try to listen intently and to provide a safe place for those emotions to come out.
Guggie Daly, taking a break from her studies in neuroscience to care for her four young children, hopes to share relevant, up to date information with other parents so that they can take advantage of foresight and not live with hindsight. You can find more information on her blog at Guggie Daly: Empowering Information and on Facebook at The Guggie Daily.
Related posts:
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
’12 Ways to Get Past No’ by Dr. Laura Markham – Friends of L.R.Knost Rock the Guest Posts while She Battles Cancer
“2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour.” — Study reported in Child Development Magazine
Between 11 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word: “No!”
It’s an ecstatic discovery. We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world. We delight in saying, “No!” at every opportunity.
Our “No” is actually a big “YES!”
It’s an awesome, pure expression of our life force.
After the first cute “No” or two, our parents are usually less than delighted. In fact, this developmental stage launches what’s often called the “terrible twos.” Rarely are our ecstatic expressions of primal life force affirmed. Do you remember your father or mother saying:
“I love your independence and autonomy!”
“I see that you’re learning to stand up for your own truth, which will really help you later in life.”
More common messages are along the lines of:
“Don’t you dare talk back to me!”
“We’ll nip this in the bud!”
There may be the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force. There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum–the only way they know to make their No heard.
Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No’s. We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, and manipulation. By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve often lost touch with our own needs.
So when our little one falls in love with the word NO, danger signs flash inside us. We know that NO is dangerous, even if we don’t know why. We think we MUST teach him who’s in charge, right away. Defiance from our child, whether two or twelve, is met with an emotional slap-down as we put him in his place.
The problem is that defiance is a sign that your child is having a problem. When we just rush in with an iron fist, we don’t address the real issue. Which might be that she feels you aren’t listening. Or that she needs your help to cry. Or that she needs you to teach her how to express her needs and wants without attacking the other person. Or maybe she feels she’s sticking up for her integrity.
If she’s a tween or teen, that should make you rejoice. Research shows that teens who are willing to stand up to their parents are also more likely to stand up to their peers. (After all, she could just lie to avoid a confrontation, which is what most teens do.) And kids who can stand up for their own truth start as toddlers.
So even though you get triggered, this isn’t about who is in charge. Your child knows you’re in charge. This is about your child’s right to his feelings, even while you honor your responsibility to keep him safe and healthy.
It IS possible to say “No” in a way that honors your own truth, while still staying in positive contact with your child. It IS possible to honor both your needs and your child’s age-appropriate need to assert herself. The secret?
1. Stop seeing your child’s NO as something you need to overcome. Instead, see it as a YES offering in a duet dance of negotiation. Every dance is a chance to partner with your child, and that foundation of partnership will create more joy — not to mention better behavior–in the years ahead.
2. Don’t take it personally. Your child is allowed to have a different view than yours. Her willingness to be different is a strength you want to nurture.
3. Listen to your child’s No. “You’re saying NO, No bath! I hear you!” Sometimes being heard is all our child needs. And the more your child feels seen, heard and acknowledged, the less he’ll need to get your attention by being contrary.
4. Listen to the YES behind the NO. “You love playing with the toy horse; you don’t want to stop for a bath, right? That’s okay, you can keep right on playing with the horses… Let’s gallop them into the bathroom! They’re all dusty from riding all day!”
5. Sidestep the NO! by making your request an invitation to play. The secret to smooth transitions is using yourself as the bridge, and no child can refuse your invitation to play. “Climb on my back, Cowboy, we’re headed for the bathtub in the hills!”
6. Sidestep the NO! by giving your child a choice. Win-win solutions mean you both get what you need. “NO bath? Maybe you and the horses need to be hosed down in the kitchen sink?” Who cares where he gets clean?
7. Sidestep the NO! by honoring his autonomy without giving up your request. “NO Bath right now? Ok, Sweetie. We’ll wait five minutes. Then you may look at the plastic containers in the kitchen and be in charge of which ones you want to play with in the tub.” Telling your child he “may” do something is magic. You won’t be able to restrain him from the bath.
8. Join the No. In a joking voice: “Whatever you do, DON’T get in the bathtub. NO, NO, NO, don’t turn on the water!! NO, NO, NO, don’t take off your clothes!!”
9. Honor the autonomy under the NO.”Want to be in charge of turning on the water and deciding what toys go in the bath? Who should take your clothes off?”
10. Teach your child to express his needs without attacking you. “You sound worried…Oh, you’re worried about that song about the child who goes down the bathtub drain? Don’t worry, you can be in charge of the plug. We won’t pull it out until you’re out of the tub, and then you can watch the water go down. You’ll see that only water can fit.”
11. Just say YES! Match the exuberance of your YES! to your child’s No. Trust yourself to find a way to make both you and your child happy by responding to her No with all the Yes energy you can summon. “YES, it’s time for your bath, and YES you can bring your horses, and YES you can ride on my back up the stairs on my back up the stairs, and YES I love you so much and YES, LET”S GO!” Your child will match your generosity of spirit.
12. Honor the disappointment when you can’t agree with the No. When you need to put your foot down, you can say your No with empathy and compassion for your child. “I’m sorry, Sweetie, it’s time. That makes you sad, I see. You wish you could play more. I bet when you grow up you’ll play all night, every night, won’t you?” (That will get a yes!)
These examples are all from the toddler years, but if you start off raising your child this way, you’ll raise a tween and teen who can stand firm in his own integrity while he respects yours.
Remember that you can always find a way to meet both your needs. If you keep your sense of humor, and honor both your own NO and your child’s, you can always find a way to get past the word NO — to the YES! energy right behind it.
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. You can get her free coaching posts right in your In Box at AhaParenting.com.
Related posts:
- ‘5 Keys to Setting Limits that Minimize Tantrums and Meltdowns’ by Amy Bryant – Friends of L.R.Knost Rock the Guest Posts while She Battles Cancer
- ‘What I Believe He Will Believe’ by Abby Theuring, MSW – Friends of L.R.Knost Rock the Guest Posts while She Battles Cancer
- My Cancer Story, Part 1: The Diagnosis
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Sandbox Soapbox: Toddler Insights
[Excerpt from The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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As we step into the toddler zone, let’s start where we should always start…with observing and understanding so that we can not only grow happy, well-rounded children, but also grow as parents and as humans ourselves. So to begin to implement the Three C’s of gentle discipline – Connection, Communication, and Cooperation – let’s take a peek inside the mind of the toddler by listening in on a sandbox conversation at the park:
Toddler 1: You look a little frazzled, Dude. Hard day?
Toddler 2: Hard doesn’t even begin to describe my day! I love my mommy to pieces, but seriously, she does NOT know how to share. I took one little thing out of her purse, and she freaked! Snatching and saying, “Mine!” and everything. And right in the middle of the store, too! So embarrassing. Everybody was looking at me, rolling their eyes. I felt like a total failure.
Toddler 1: I hear you! I have the same problem. And mine has been getting into EVERYTHING, too! Like, I stashed my cracker under the couch so I could have a little snack later, and she totally threw it in the trash! Who does that?
Toddler 2: You think that’s bad? Check this. I’m minding my own business, just chillin’ with my toys, and she just snatches me up and carts me off and straps me in the highchair, no warning at all. And I’m not even hungry! Then she gets all upset when I do a little physics with my food. Btw, so cool how sometimes it falls straight down and sometimes it splats against the wall. I think it has something to do with the consistency of the food and the angle of my trajectory. Just a working theory atm, though.
Toddler 1: Cool! Let me know what you figure out. How about this. I can’t get anything done! No joke! I spent all morning building this stellar block tower. Dude, you should have seen this thing. It was epic! So, I walk away for like one second, and she dumps the whole thing in the toy box! An entire morning’s work, gone. I don’t know why I bother sometimes.
Toddler 2: Same! And what’s with this new ‘time-out’ thing mine’s into all of a sudden? I get the slightest bit upset about something, and, just when I need a cuddle, she sticks me in this chair and won’t let me get up! Like a chair is a good hugger? Really?
Toddler 1: That is just wrong. Hey, how about this whole potty training dealio? She wants me to do my business in a little plastic bowl. We eat out of those things! Seriously, you gotta wonder what goes on in their brains sometimes.
Toddler 2: You’re lucky. Mine keeps propping me up on that big white contraption with water in it. I could drown! And you should see what happens when she pushes down that handle in the back. Can you say vortex of DOOM?!?
Toddler 1: Not cool, Dude, not cool at all! Are you dealing with tantrums yet? Mine has got a temper like you wouldn’t believe! Anytime she doesn’t get her way, watch out for the fireworks! She yells and flaps her arms and stomps around, and, I hate to say it, but she’s starting to hit. Like that’s going to solve anything. I have no idea how to handle these aggression issues! Why can’t they just be reasonable like us?
Toddler 2: I think it’s a communication issue, myself. I mean, they’re just barely starting to understand us when we talk to them, so I try to cut mine a little slack when she starts getting frustrated. I just stay close, maybe pat her arm or offer her a toy. Sometimes she settles down a bit and starts smiling again, but sometimes she just needs a little time to calm down. I stay present, though, so she knows I’m always there for her.
Toddler 1: I think you’re messing up there, Dude. You need to walk away, just walk away and let her deal. If you comfort her, she’ll expect you to help her process her emotions, and that’ll lead to dependency issues, mark my words! When she freaks, you’ve got to force her to control herself! When she’s ready to be reasonable and listen, then you can be friends again.
Toddler 2: I don’t know. Mine flat out won’t listen. I can’t tell you how many times I have to ask her to play with me before she finally looks up from her toy. What is it with parents and electronics, anyway? And then all she does is say, “Just a minute, hon.” What exactly is a minute, btw?
Toddler 1: ‘Just a minute’ means ‘This is more important than you,’ Dude. Come on, get with the program. You have to make them pay attention! Yell. Throw something. Bite the cat. Whatever it takes! Don’t let them get away with disrespecting you like that or they’ll never pay attention.
Toddler 2: Word. Talk about getting with the program, how do you handle the sleep issues? I just cannot take another sleepless night! She keeps me up for hours every. single. night. It starts out great, bath-time, a book and cuddles, but then she just clocks out like I’m some kind of a toy she can switch off when it gets dark! And, man, is it dark. I don’t know what’s living in my closet, but it is ginormous!
Toddler 1: Sleep training, Dude! It’s the only way. They turn that light out and shut the door, you follow them! Every. Time. Or, if you’re too scared (totally get that, btw) then just start hollering and don’t stop. If you can’t sleep, make sure they can’t, either! And don’t give in. Not even once. You let them get away with that stuff one time, and you’ll never get any sleep, ever! They have to learn that it’s their job to take care of you day and night, even if all you need is a hug!
Toddler 2: Got it. Oh, man, here she comes. Seriously, do you have this problem, too? We’re at the park. Everybody’s having a good time. And she just up and decides to leave. I think she’s got some anti-social tendencies. I’m thinking of having her tested.
Toddler 1: Same here! But I’m working on it. They’ve got to learn it’s not all about them, and it’s our job to teach them. Look, here comes mine, too. Watch and learn, Dude. I’m using the arched-back, flail and wail today. Deep breath and, “No! No! Noooooo…”
Seeing our own actions from another perspective is uncomfortable, no doubt, but the understanding we can achieve is well worth the discomfort if we can learn and grow from it as parents. As Maya Angelou, American author, poet, and self-described Renaissance Woman, wrote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
Related posts:
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-in’s, Oh my!
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
When Children Act Out ~ Reflecting Our Emotions
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
When Things Get Physical: Hitting, Throwing, Kicking, and Biting
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting
Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting
by
L.R.Knost
Intelligent, Well-Researched, Compassionate ~ L.R.Knost has done it again. With her compassionate tone, relational style, and intelligent, well-researched writing, Jesus, the Gentle Parent is like a refreshing, peaceful 
walk through the scriptures with a friendly and knowledgeable tour guide. This book differs from Two Thousand Kisses a Day, Whispers Through Time, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline in that it takes a Christian approach to parenting as L.R. takes on big names in the Christian child-training sect such as Dr. James Dobson, Tedd Tripp, Gary Ezzo, and Michael Pearl, breaking down their doctrine and reexamining such issues as spanking, instant obedience, submission, free will, and more in light of the original Hebrew and Greek texts of the scriptures. As always, L.R. offers gentle parenting alternatives along with real-life examples of their applications, but in Jesus, the Gentle Parent she goes even further and shares parenting insights based on the life of Jesus that will turn the mainstream Christian world on its head. This is truly a grace-based parenting book which shows parents how to be “their children’s first taste of God” by following in the gentle, wise, grace-filled footsteps of Jesus. ~ The Parenting Review
Back cover: In this examination of mainstream Christian parenting practices and the doctrinal beliefs behind them, best-selling author, L.R.Knost, debunks common cultural and theological beliefs about spanking, original sin, sin nature, submission, authority, obedience, breaking a child’s will, and more, along with providing grace-filled, gentle solutions to behavior issues.
Here’s a bit from the foreword by Samuel S. Martin (Biblical scholar and author residing in Israel):
“Jesus, the Gentle Parent is a book to read, reread, and internalize.
In these pages, you will find keen insights and powerful Scriptural truths which I am only beginning to grasp the significance of, myself. Before agreeing to write the foreword for Jesus, The Gentle Parent, I carefully read and examined how L.R. had engaged the subject, and I can say without hesitation that I am a better person, a better father, a better human being, and a better Christian for doing so.
I come from a background of high academic achievement in the area of Biblical studies. My late father, Dr. Ernest L. Martin (1932-2002) was one of the founding members of the Foundation for Biblical Research and an internationally recognized Biblical scholar with multiple books and academic credits to his name.
Growing up, I lived in Israel (my permanent adult residence since 2001) for five summers, living in the Bible lands while my father was involved in the largest excavation taking place in the Middle East at that time. For my summer vacations, I toured Biblical sites in Israel as well visiting Greece and seeing where St. Paul journeyed.
I grew up in a house with a room dedicated to my father’s library which numbered over 10,000 volumes when he passed away. These are the tools that I was taught to use. I’ve been exercising these tools now for some twenty years as I have studied and written exhaustively about doctrinal issues, including publishing a book on corporal punishment (spanking) in the Bible in the hope of shedding new light on that issue.”
Check out Samuel Martin’s book: Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy
Other gentle parenting resources you may find helpful:
Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages Calm, Reassuring, Likable ~ Written in L.R.Knost’s signature easy-to-read and conversational style, ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day’ offers an overview of gentle parenting from birth through young adulthood along with concrete suggestions and insights into how to implement gentle parenting in each stage of childhood. Her seasoned and practical approach based on extensive child development research and years of parent mentoring as well as over twenty-five years of parenting her six children is as likable as it is reassuring. Parents with children of any age will find this information-packed book with its bite-sized chapters and practical approach to parenting a helpful and encouraging addition to their home library, as well as a welcome gift for new or struggling parents. ~The Parenting Review
Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood Sweet, Funny, Insightful ~ Award-winning ‘Whispers Through Time’ by L.R. Knost is destined to be a dog-eared favorite, passed down from generation to generation. L.R. Knost shows parents how to find their own answers for their own children and their own families in this guidebook as she challenges conventional thinking with a wisdom born of experience and a healthy dose of research to back it up. Written with the same unique blend of sweetness and humor, grit and honesty, reassurance and insight that made L.R. Knost’s first book, ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages,’ a best-seller, ‘Whispers Through Time’ has become a runaway hit in its own right. ~The Parenting Review
The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline Relaxed, Reassuring, Practical ~ Written by L.R.Knost, best-selling, award-winning author of ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day’ and ‘Whispers Through Time,’ ‘The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline’ shares the simple secrets of a peaceful, happy home in the Three C’s of gentle discipline–Connection, Communication, and Cooperation. In her signature relaxed and poetic style, L.R.Knost gently guides parents through the steps of applying the Three C’s in real-life scenarios from tantrums to defiance to parenting a strong-willed child to healing a broken parent/child relationship. Practical and proven, this newest installment in the Little Hearts Handbook parenting series will be tucked into diaper bags, kept handy on nightstands, and shared with good friends for its research-backed, experience-based, and humor-rich insights, ideas, and inspiration. ~The Parenting Review
Gentle Parenting Workshop 1: Getting Started on Your Gentle Journey The Gentle Parenting Workshop series from award-winning author, L.R.Knost, is a companion series to her best-selling parenting books, ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day,’ ‘Whispers Through Time,’ and the newest release, ’The Gentle Parent.’ This first workshop in the series, ‘Gentle Parenting Workshop 1: Getting Started on Your Gentle Journey,’ will help you set your gentle parenting goals, identify specific parenting problems, and target practical solutions to help you along on your journey to gentle parenting.
Gentle Parenting Workshop 2: Healing from Your Past so You Don’t Pass it Along to Your Children, will help you walk through the steps of recovery from a painful past, leading you on a journey of healing and forgiveness, of unloading negative emotional baggage into the past where it belongs instead of unloading it onto your children and passing it along to the next generation, and of renewal to open the pathway to a more peaceful and gentle approach to parenting.
“Forgiving someone doesn’t mean telling them that hurting us was okay. It means telling ourselves that it’s okay to stop hurting. It doesn’t mean we have to trust them again. It means we can learn to trust ourselves again because we deserve it. It doesn’t mean we have to give them a free pass back into our lives. It means we are free to take our lives back again. Forgiving is letting the hurts of the past go so that we can move freely into the future.”
The Gentle Parenting Workshop 2 walks you through five stages of healing and emotional freedom, including multiple action steps for you to take along the way from making the decision to change to identifying your triggers to forgiving your own mistakes of the past to coping when life hits hard.
“When a tragedy strikes in the form of a death or a life-changing illness or an accident, or when our lives are suddenly turned upside-down due to a divorce or other major life event, we need to grieve the loss of our old lives, our old ‘normal,’ our younger, more carefree, and unwounded selves, so that we can embrace our new normal and learn to live fully and joyfully again. Just as if a person had hurt us, we are hurting humans and we need to take the time and make the investment in self-care to work through the hurt and emerge a wiser, more mature, and more compassionate human.”
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
When Toddlers Become Teens
[Portions reprinted from Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood by L.R.Knost. Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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With society’s propensity for blaming social issues on ‘kids these days,’ and with struggling, frustrated parents seeking support by sharing stories of their teens’ attitudes and ingratitudes, it’s not surprising that adolescence gets a bad rap.
But the truth is that teens are just people like the rest of us, subject to human imperfections and simply trying to find their place in the world. They may have some hormonal ups and downs, but just as women don’t appreciate being grouped together and defined by exaggerated stories of PMS and men don’t like every decision they make in middle-age to be labeled evidence of a midlife crisis, teens don’t deserve that kind of disrespectful stereotyping, either.
The thing is, adolescent behaviors that parents fear most such as rebellion, drug use, eating disorders, etc. don’t just appear out of nowhere. Teens don’t grow up in a vacuum. Our early parenting choices matter far more than we can imagine in those first months and years of our children’s lives. Our early parenting not only shapes who our children will become, but also has a powerful impact on our relationship with our teens. We are, literally, building our relationship with our teens while we’re parenting our toddlers and preschoolers.
Ideally, preparation for the teen years begins in infancy as we spend those first months of our children’s lives laying a foundation of trust. Then, in the toddler years, that preparation continues as we establish safe and reasonable boundaries with gentle guidance, patience, and proactive parenting like planning shopping trips around naps and bringing along snacks and favorite toys to avoid tantrum triggers.
In the preschool and middle years, preparation for adolescence builds on the trust foundation we laid in the first months and years of our teen’s lives as we grow a spirit of cooperation rather than compulsory compliance, establish a healthy relationship with our children based on teamwork instead of a dictatorship based on forced obedience, and create strong lines of communication rooted in hearing and being heard rather than the often-closed hearts and minds that result from lectures and control-based parenting.
The result…
- Children who don’t have to fight for independence because they don’t have anything to rebel against or any motivation for rebellion
- Children who feel that they are respected and that their opinions are heard and valued and therefore don’t have the angst to fuel negative attitudes
- Children who trust and feel trusted and don’t want to lose what they instinctively know is of great value ~ our mutual trust relationship
Thus the groundwork is set for gently parenting through the teen years.
Once we’ve done the groundwork for the teen years, preparation shifts from preparing for adolescence to preparing our adolescents for adulthood. In the day-to-day parenting of teens, preparation means getting them and ourselves ready for their advent into adulthood by intentionally and incrementally handing over the reins of their lives into their inexperienced, but capable hands.
Another aspect of parenting our teens is participation in their lives. In the early years, participation means joining our little ones as they explore the world with mud-splattered walks in the rain and building tilted block towers which tumble and are rebuilt time and again. It means reading bedtime stories and welcoming midnight visitors in our beds and sharing morning tickle-fests and kissing imaginary boo-boos.
In the teen years participation means much the same, only instead of blocks tumbling, it’s plans and hopes and hearts that sometimes tumble into disappointments and need our support and understanding to be rebuilt. It’s midnight visitors who tap softly on our door and ask if we can chat for a bit. It’s shared hugs and cheers and tears and whispers of encouragement. It’s being there, being aware, being in-tune. It’s active, proactive, and intentional parenting.
And, finally, how we interpret our children’s behavior in the early years sets the stage in a very real way for how we will interpret their behavior in adolescence. In the early years, interpretation means that instead of assigning negative ulterior motives to our little ones’ crying, curiosity, outbursts, explorations, tantrums, and other behaviors, we seek to interpret what they are communicating and empathize with and validate their emotions. It means we try to meet the needs behind the behaviors first, opening the door to gentle guidance so that we can equip them with better ways of expressing their needs as they grow and mature.
Interpretation in the teen years means exactly the same. We listen, assume the best, meet needs, listen more, give grace for being human, empathize with and validate emotions, listen and listen some more, and continue to create open hearts and minds through connection and communication so that our gentle guidance can be heard and received and trusted.
Here’s the thing, yes, our teens are human and they will act like the imperfect beings they are at times, just like we all do. But when we’ve grown our little humans in an atmosphere of connection, communication, and cooperation, those imperfect human moments stay exactly that…moments. They don’t explode into rebellion or fester into addictions or plummet into depression because they’ve been punished, suppressed, and ignored. They are simply normal, small moments of life that we work through together before they become big life problems.
If, however, you are new to the idea of gentle parenting and wonder if it’s too late to rebuild and repair your relationship with your children, the answer is, “No.” One of the miracles of human nature is the ability to forgive, heal, and start again. Here are some links to articles with specific suggestions for walking with your children through that process so you can begin your gentle journey in parenting peacefully, kindly, and effectively with your older child:
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
Two Thousand Connection Points a Day: Attachment Parenting Beyond Infancy
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Parenting in Public: Toddler Time!
[Reprinted from The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood and Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
You’re sitting in a restaurant waiting the prerequisite ten to fifteen minutes for your food to be served, chatting quietly with your spouse and two-year-old, when it happens, that dreaded moment that every parent fears…the sudden switch from table companion to meltdown mayhem when life as you and every patron, staff member, and passerby know it is turned inside out and upside down.
That moment is known as ‘Toddler Time’ which is aptly named because it is, in fact, all about time from the perspective of a toddler. That insignificant ten to fifteen minute waiting period for food to arrive is actually eons in toddler time, eons of hunger, eons of boredom, eons of stillness, eons of being expected to act like the adult that they are years and years (eons!) away from becoming. But you really don’t want to be housebound for all of those eons, right? And yet more and more public places are becoming child un-friendly with snarky signs saying they’ll give your child an espresso and a pony if you don’t control them, or charge you extra if you dare to enter their establishment and support their business with your hard-earned money, or even flat out ban you altogether if you bring ‘the beast’ out in public with you!
And what about those hazy, lazy summer days at the park with the laughter of children floating in the air, mommies wearing sleeping babies in their carriers while chatting and keeping eagle eyes on their precious little monkeys dangling from brightly colored jungle-gyms, when the dreaded moment suddenly hits, and all goes quiet as every eye turns toward the poor soul who called out those awful, awful words, “It’s time to go!” The words echo against the lowering sky, which has conveniently decided to threaten rain just to add to the sheer madness of the moment, and then the shrieking begins. In toddler time, an hour at the park is gone in the blink of an eye, and fun things like being strapped into car seats and baths and naps awaiting at home just add insult to injury.
So what’s a parent to do?
Here are a few preemptive tools for your gentle parenting toolbox:
- Gather a few special ‘quiet’ toys and keep them in a Quiet Bag in the car. To keep their novelty value, only get them out when you go into a store or restaurant and let your little one play with one toy at a time until it’s time to go, saving one last special toy for the car ride home. Some ideas for stocking your Quiet Bag are
- felt busy books
- playdoh
- picture books
- white-erase boards
- coloring books
- small, unlined notebooks
- crayons or washable markers
- mini stuffed animals
- small play figures such as superheroes, dollhouse dolls, cars, trucks, etc.
- chunky, age-appropriate puzzles
- Calm-Me-Jar
- Making a habit out of wearing your little one or letting them ride in a cart or stroller while in stores and keeping them happily occupied while secured in a highchair or on your lap when in restaurants are proactive steps that will help prevent issues with running around and getting into things.
- Keeping your little person occupied is always a good place to start, but if yelling or screaming still become an issue, try responding with a whispered question or two. It’s pretty much irresistible for little ones to quiet down to hear what you’re saying, and even better if what you’re saying is super silly…”I think my nose went outside for a walk.” (with a conspiratorial ‘shared secret’ look) “Could you check for me to see if it’s back yet?” (crossing your eyes to see for yourself)
- With the dreaded leaving-the-park issue, try bringing snacks your small one loves, and instead of saying “Time to go!” try saying “Snack time!” and describe the yumminess waiting for them, all the while gently guiding them to the car. Or brainstorm with your little one ahead of time to come up with a fun activity to do after the park like playing a favorite game together or stopping by the library to pick up a new book to read together. The idea is to involve your toddler in the planning so they feel like they have some control over their lives and also to have something fun to look forward to that will help them through transitions (which are always hard for little ones).
- Don’t forget to pack your ‘funnybone’ for a back-up plan! Humor is a powerful parenting tool, and car seats presented as rocket ships to the moon, shared naptimes (parents can always use the extra sleep!) on marshmallow planets, highchair-bound movie directors with mommy and daddy as the actors, and shopping carts cars that continually stall and need to be fixed by their little riders are all inventive ways of keeping little people too busy and happy to meltdown. (Not to mention that these are great ways to reconnect with your little one and remember just how adorable they really are!)
Actively work at avoiding confrontations and meltdowns by giving choices, staying engaged, listening to your child, and paying attention to triggers such as hunger, tiredness, sickness, etc. When our parenting goals shift from meeting needs and guiding actions to controlling our children, they invariably rebel and the battle is on, not a happy circumstance at any time, but especially difficult to handle in public! (And, in the long run, that makes for an ‘us against them’ relationship that sets the stage for an unhappy home, particularly when the teen years arrive.)
Related posts:
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-in’s, Oh my!
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
When Children Act Out ~ Reflecting Our Emotions
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
When Children Hit~10 Tips for Parents
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Reading Challenge 2014!
[Portions reprinted from Raising Bookworms: Life, Learning, and Literacy by L.R.Knost available 2014; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline now available on Amazon]
Experts agree that the single best way to turn children on to a life-long love of reading is to simply read to them. Not only is reading to our little ones wonderful for their education, though, but it is also a fun and easy way to build and maintain a strong parent/child connection. Let’s join together this year and commit to reading to our children (or with them if they’re older!) every day of 2014.
Old books, new books, read books, glued books (a nod to my favorite children’s author, Dr. Seuss!), it doesn’t matter what you read. Just read! Read old familiar books your children ask for over and over and over. Read new books you check out from the library or buy from your local independent bookstore. Read books from your own childhood that are passed down through your family. Read books you write together with your children and glue into construction paper pages tied together with yarn. Just read, read, read! (And stop back by and leave a comment with an update now and then to share how you’re doing and which books are your children’s favorites!)
Here are a few links to some book lists to get you started:
Bookworm weighs in on must-have books for your children in Little Hearts’ How to Build a Home Library for Bookworms from Tots to Teens series. Check out…
25 Must-Have Books for Baby Bookworms
25 Must-Have Books for Toddler Bookworms
25 Must-Have Books for Preschool Bookworms
For more ideas about sharing a love of learning with your children, here is my virtual reading room, its bookshelves filled with literacy tips, book recommendations, literary quotes, learning through play ideas, and more. Pour yourself a cup of coffee, grab a cozy chair, and join me on the journey of a lifetime…
- When it comes to reading, do you want your children to become readers or just learn the mechanics of reading? Do you want them to love to read or just to know how? If a love of reading is your goal for your children, here are some ideas to get you started… 8 Tips for Raising Bookworms
- Fairy tales in childhood are stepping-stones throughout life, leading the way through trouble and trial. The value of fairy tales lies not in a brief literary escape from reality, but in the gift of hope that goodness truly is more powerful than evil and that even the darkest reality can lead to a Happily Ever After. Do not take that gift of hope lightly. It has the power to conquer despair in the midst of sorrow, to light the darkness in the valleys of life, to whisper “One more time” in the face of failure. Hope is what gives life to dreams, making the fairy tale the reality. Fairy Tales~The Lost Value of ‘Once upon a time…’
- Imagination is the language of childhood, so speaking their language when introducing our language only makes sense. Let’s ditch the flashcards, turn off the educational dvd’s, and throw out the worksheets…because learning is child’s play! Alphabet Fun~Imagination From A to Z!
- Successful reading means far more than possessing the ability to read. Engaging the hearts of students moves reading success beyond a life skill and turns it into a life style. And graphic novels are too powerful of a tool in our arsenal to be disregarded because of pride or prejudice… Raising Super Readers~The MARVELous Power of Comic Books!
- There is such a rush these days to get children sleeping through the night, weaned off the breast, eating solid foods, potty trained, reading independently, and on and on, that we seem to have lost the ability to simply enjoy life as it happens and let our children do the same. A Return to Childhood
- In the world of a child wonders are as simple as sticks and sheets, leaves and books, boxes and giggles, and the promise in a rainy day. The Seven Wonders of the World of Childhood
- Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Unique learners have beautiful minds just waiting to find their genius. We just need to look outside of the box to help them find it. Helping Unique Learners Find Their Genius
- Think homeschooled children are unsocialized, over-controlled, locked-away-from-the-world misfits? Think again! My Renaissance Girl
- My SPD/SLD/ADD (Sensory Processing Disorder, Specific Learning Disability-Dyslexia, Visual and Auditory Processing Disorders, Attention Deficit Disorder, etc) sweetie, aka Renaissance Girl, has raised the bar on my homeschooling skills more times than I can count. Her beautiful mind sees the world through a unique lens similar to those of historical icons such as Thomas Edison, Leonardo Da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, and Albert Einstein…Beautiful Minds
- Books + Time + Imagination = Endless possibilities! 25 Reasons NOT to Keep Your Children Busy
- I’ve been scouring the web, the bookshelves, and my scattered brain for all the Seussical fun I could find for my little people and yours. Here are a few of my finds… Seuss-ified~Craft-astic~Snack-errific~Education-cool~Fun!
- Parenting choices strongly impact the level and type of attachment a child develops and, by extension, the development of a love of learning. A love of learning grows when it isn’t stifled by fear or stress or regimented by over-structuring or a focus on achievement or competition. Parents fostering a healthy attachment are thus also fostering a life-long love of learning in their children. Love, Play, Learn!
- Truly, what is our goal for our children? Knowledge memorized in lists and tables and regurgitated on bubble-in tests? Or knowledge coupled with experience that leads to understanding and, ultimately, wisdom? Benjamin Franklin said it best when he said, “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” The Many Adventures of My Little Pooh Bear
- If you give a toddler a book | He’ll climb into your lap | While he’s in your lap | He might lay his head on your chest | When he lays his head on your chest | He’ll hear your heartbeat | When he hears your heartbeat | He’ll probably ask if you can hear his… If You Give A Toddler A Book…
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-in’s, Oh my!
[Reprinted from The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood and Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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When a little person feels frustrated, overwhelmed, or just plain old out-of-sorts (read: tantrum time!) it’s tempting for parents to focus on correction rather than connection. But when children are intensely stressed, the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which in early childhood is an underdeveloped, mushy grey sponge waiting to be formed, is flooded with cortisol, the ‘stress hormone.’ The result is what is known as the fight-freeze-or-flight syndrome in which higher brain functions (learning, reason, self-control) are markedly hampered and lower brain functions (instinct, physical reactions) take over. This is an in-built survival mechanism that gradually comes under conscious control through years of growth in a safe and supportive environment. Interestingly, it is theorized that this underdeveloped ‘sponginess’ is why small children are able to learn new languages more quickly than older children and adults. They are, in a very literal way, absorbing information raw, unhampered by the processing and reason of a more mature brain.
Expecting young children to have the maturity and self-control to overcome this God-given survival instinct is unrealistic. Threatening, punishing, or even reasoning with them while their higher brain functions are suppressed is futile and actually just adds more stress to the situation (more stress = fuel on the tantrum-fire!).
What they really need is help…
- First, help coping with their big emotions
- Then, help reconnecting with their source of safety and security (you!)
- And last, help processing the problem that sent them into a maelstrom of emotion in the first place.
Punishing them, yelling at them, sending them to their room, or putting them in time-out disconnects them even further from their source of security and not only delays a resolution of the issue, but misses an opportunity to equip them with the tools they need to handle future problems.
This is where the Three C’s of gentle discipline come into play.
Connection:
- Remaining present and supportive until they are able to calm down enough to accept your help
- Drawing them close when they’re ready (time-in)
Communication:
- Validating their emotions by labeling them and empathizing (i.e. “You’re sad because we have to leave the park. I’m sad, too. The park is fun!”)
- Offering words to help them express their frustrations using reflective language (i.e. “It’s hard to do things we don’t like, isn’t it?”)
Cooperation:
- Helping them move on by redirecting their attention to the future (i.e. “When we get home we’re going to make a snack. Would you like grapes or bananas today?”)
- Modeling coping skills and self-control by calming your own reaction to their meltdown and helping them process their big emotions
These are all ways of reconnecting with your toddler or preschooler to help them successfully navigate their present difficulty as well as to cope with difficulties they’re confronted with in the future.
One effective tool for use in helping little ones cope with big emotions is a Calm-Me-Jar made from small, round, plastic bottles such as AquapodTM water bottles. They are perfect for small hands to shake and manhandle to their heart’s content.
To make your own Calm-Me-Jar, fill up a plastic water bottle with warm water and basic craft glitter glue in whatever color you like. You can add some extra glitter and a drop of food coloring to customize your glitter jar to your child’s tastes, and then when you have the look you want, be sure to hot glue the top on to prevent spills.
When my little ones have meltdowns, or, if I can catch it, before they reach that point, I pull out one of the Calm-Me-Jars and shake it up and just let them hold it while I hold them (when they are ready to be held) and talk or sing quietly. When I feel their body relaxing and their breathing slow down, I might say something like, “It’s sad when we can’t have a toy, isn’t it?” or whatever else will reflect what they seem to be unable to express.
When an older preschooler or early elementary-aged child has a meltdown, or, again, before if I can catch it, I first connect, “I’m here. I can see you’re upset. How can I help?” and listen as they try to verbalize their feelings. If they’re having trouble with the words, instead of immediately supplying the words for them, I’ll offer them a Calm-Me-Jar and ask if they’d like to show me how they’re feeling. They will often shake the Calm-Me-Jar vigorously while jumping up and down and twisting all around, which is a great physical outlet for their intense feelings. I watch until I see their movements slowing and their breathing evening out, and when they’ve calmed just enough to hear me, I quietly talk them through the calming process, “Look at all that fairy dust bouncing around like crazy! I bet that’s how it feels inside when you’re so upset. Look at how it’s starting to slow down and settle to the bottom. If we breathe really slowly, we can feel ourselves settling like the fairy dust. Want to try it with me?” Then, if there are any behavior issues we need to address, we’ll work through those afterward when they’re calm, connected, and capable of interacting and understanding.
Here’s an example of how Calm-Me-Jars are helpful in ‘listening between the lines’ to my children’s behavior so I can meet them where they are and help them process their big feelings:
My five-year-old is a tiny girl with BIG emotions, and she really likes using Calm-Me-Jars to work through her feelings. We’ve put several together such as a silvery one she named Goodnight Moon, a light blue one she named Nemo Under the Sea, a pink one she named Hello Kitty Princess Ballerina, and a dark blue one she named Starry, Starry Night. When she is mad at one of her siblings, she’ll often bring me one of her Calm-Me-Jars (Goodnight Moon is a favorite in the evening!) and work out some of her upset physically by shaking the jar like crazy while she jumps up and down and tells me how mad she is. When she’s a bit calmer, we’ll have a little cuddle and watch the glitter settle while saying goodnight to the moon, all the furniture, and whatever other silliness we come up with until she’s calm. If there’s a discipline issue or she needs some help working things out with a sibling, we’ll work through it at that point because I know that’s when she can hear me and really process what I’m saying. If she chooses Starry, Starry Night we might sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star or step outside and see if there are any stars out yet. If she decides on Hello Kitty Princess Ballerina she’ll often dance her frustrations away while shaking her Calm-Me-Jar. And if she picks out Nemo Under the Sea we’ll ‘speak whale’ like Dory from Finding Nemo or we’ll make fishy faces at each other until we’re both giggling.
As you can see, my feisty little girl’s choice of Calm-Me-Jar shows me what she needs to do to work through her emotions of the moment, whether it’s to act things out physically in acceptable ways or to connect through song or through silliness.
The key is being in tune with your little one enough to understand their personality and work with it instead of against it. My five-year-old is spunky and silly, so having a long, serious talk would drive her crazy and accomplish nothing. We quickly decide together how she’ll approach whatever the problem was the next time she encounters it, and then she’s ready to move on, whereas when some of my older ones were little they really liked to talk things through (and still do!). My toddler, on the other hand, doesn’t have tantrums because that simply isn’t part of her own unique personality, but she’s still fascinated by her Calm-Me-Jar and loves to sit with me and watch the “pintess faywe dut” (“princess fairy dust”) glitter settle when she’s feeling a bit cranky or out-of-sorts.
Remember, there is no cure for tantrums because they are simply a normal result of a normal developmental stage of childhood. Trying to avoid tantrum triggers (tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, etc.) is always a good first step, along with remaining in-tune, responsive, and available, but when all else fails and a tantrum does occur, reacting with an adult tantrum is tantamount to throwing fuel on a toddler-tantrum-fire. So instead of losing it when your little one loses it, take an adult time-out, breathe deeply to gain control of your own emotions, and then grab the Three C’s of gentle discipline from your parenting toolbox and work with your child, not against them.
“Reactors react to a crisis with a meltdown. Responders respond to a crisis with help. To raise a mature, stable adult, be a first responder, not a nuclear reactor!” ~ L.R.Knost
Related posts:
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
When Children Act Out ~ Reflecting Our Emotions
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
When Children Hit~10 Tips for Parents
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Two Thousand Connection Points a Day: Attachment Parenting Beyond Infancy
[Reprinted from Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline also now available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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From kicking and rolling and stretching to being lulled to sleep by the rhythmic cadence of a mama’s heartbeat, little ones spend the first months of their existence wrapped in a warm, dark, gently swaying cocoon, a life-giving embrace, the ultimate hug, readying themselves for their grand entrance to the world.
Then, in those first moments of life beyond the womb, when the muffled sounds of the outside world become clear and the muted lights become glaringly bright, a warm chest with the scent of life-sustaining milk and the sweet sound of a familiar heartbeat welcome the little one to the comfort and safety of a mama’s arms.
In the days, weeks, and months following, little fingers and toes are counted and kissed again and again and again. Soft cheeks are snuzzled and a fuzzy little head is nuzzled, and two thousand kisses a day seems a reasonable number to a mama’s heart overflowing with tenderness for this tiny new member of the family.
Then comes the rolling and sitting and crawling and walking, and soon the two thousand kisses dwindle to brief morning cuddles before a toddler is off to explore the world, healing kisses on boo-boos, and goodnight snuggles with a bedtime book.
Time passes and the little one grows in independence, getting up and dressed and ready on their own, grabbing their own band-aid for a scrape, and reading themselves to sleep. Gone are the snuzzles and nuzzles of infancy, and the two thousand kisses a day are simply sweet memories.
Growing independence, though, doesn’t have to mean growing separation. Humans were created to be relational beings. We may outgrow our dependency, but we never outgrow the need for community, interaction, appreciation, reassurance, and support.
Infants, children, and adults alike all share this life-long need for connection. While over time that need will also be met through friendships, business engagements, social interactions, and the like, family relationships are the steady and sure bedrock of secure connection and belonging that ground us and assure us that our needs will not go unmet even in the darkest of times.
Attachment parenting is often misconstrued to be simply about breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping, etc. But, while those are possible choices for creating and maintaining a secure parent/child connection in the early years, they are just a small sampling of the relationship-building choices that parents can make throughout their children’s lives.
As little ones outgrow the ‘two thousand kisses a day’ stage, parents can begin consciously creating ‘two thousand connection points a day’ to replace those tender expressions of love with age-appropriate expressions of appreciation and approval, love and support.
From responding empathetically to a preschooler’s whine, to paying attention to a seven-year-old when they tell their endless stories, to listening ‘between the lines’ to the angst of a teen, maintaining a secure parent/child connection beyond infancy is simply about meeting emotional needs consistently, intentionally, and relationally.
Creating two thousand connection points a day isn’t about quality time, and it isn’t even about the quantity of time spent with our children. It is, instead, about being there in the small moments, the moments that matter to our children, and consciously meeting with them right where they are. It is about…
- Simply smiling and letting our eyes light up with welcome when our children walk in the room
- Maintaining eye contact when our children talk to us instead of letting our eyes constantly stray back to our laptop/iPhone
- Voicing our sincere appreciation for their latest ‘masterpiece’ or victory or achievement
- Expressing our affection physically in whatever way our children are comfortable with, whether it’s a wrestling match, a knuckle pound, or a hug
- Giving our children our undivided, wholehearted attention when they share their latest treasure or sing a never-ending song they make up as they go or just want to sit and be close for awhile
- Listening to what our children need to say without the threat of repercussion
- Inferring what they aren’t able to express verbally
- Welcoming our children into our daily lives, whether we are discussing politics or cooking dinner or fixing the toilet
- Allowing our children to express their emotions, even when they aren’t pretty
- Validating their anger, hurt, frustration, or embarrassment instead of minimizing or dismissing their feelings
- Helping them to process those emotions by listening and reflecting back what we hear
- Guiding them toward understanding of their own feelings and empathetically equipping them with coping mechanisms for the future
- Sharing our own hurts, disappointments, and mistakes in age-appropriate terms so they’ll know it’s okay to be human
- Honoring our children’s intense need to avoid embarrassment by offering guidance privately and respectfully, even if their behavior issue is public and/or disrespectful
- Sharing their interests even if the life-cycle of a snail wouldn’t be our first choice of dinner conversation
- Offering choices so they can grow in independence and confidence
- Supporting them even when their choices lead to disappointment or failure
- Being gently and kindly and completely honest about our own disappointment or hurt when their behavior negatively affects us so they’ll know they can trust us to be truthful, even in the hard things
- Helping them whenever and wherever they express a need for assistance so they’ll know they never have to go life alone
These connection points are all about maintaining and enriching a strong parent/child relationship through all of the ages and stages of childhood so that, through a foundation of trust and mutual respect, parenting takes the form of guiding instead of punishing, encouraging natural growth instead of forcing independence, and creating a strong, intimate, interwoven family fabric that will stand the test of time.
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
[Reprinted from The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood and Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
There are some children who are born into the world with the incredible life-gift of a strong will and an indomitable spirit. These children are often deeply misunderstood, and there are rows of books lining bookstore shelves with instructions about how to break their will, how to subdue their spirit, how to force their obedience. What an incredible loss of leadership, passion, and insight this world suffers when parents follow these punitive parenting practices. Not only can we parent these gifted children with gentleness and respect, but the gifts we get in return are priceless!
Take a look at some of the common descriptions used when referring to the characteristics of a strong-willed child:
Demanding, Insistent, Stubborn, Bossy, Cocky, Difficult, Challenging, Fixated, Contrary, Rebellious, Defiant
Now look at some of the common characteristics of adults who are world leaders, CEO’s, entrepreneurs, innovators, world-class athletes, and the like:
Decisive, Determined, Persistent, Authoritative, Confident, Valiant, Gutsy, Committed, Resourceful, Nonconforming, Bold
Note that the characteristics are the same, but the characterizations are negative when applied to a child and positive when applied to an adult.
Other characteristics of strong-willed children that coincide with the characteristics of adult leaders in their fields are:
- They are typically highly creative and intelligent.
- They are usually passionate and intense in their interests and beliefs.
- They often have an insatiable need to know ‘why.’
- They typically learn by doing.
- They tend to have an intense need to test the status quo.
- They are typically highly perfection-oriented, but often that is focused on their expectations of themselves instead of others.
- They tend to need high levels of validation.
- They usually have an intense need to be heard.
- They often have a strong need for emotional safety.
- They tend to be resistant to change unless they feel like they have some control over the change.
- They are often highly sensitive.
- They are typically intensely focused on their latest project or interest.
- They tend to be conscientious and highly committed.
- They are usually intensely independent.
While there’s no doubt that it’s a challenge having a child who seems to challenge everything, there are ways to work with them rather than against them to preserve and nurture their unique gifts. Maintaining a healthy parent/child relationship is vital as you work to find a balance between setting limits with your richly spirited child while not limiting their freedom to stretch and grow and develop into the person they were created to be.
The key to preserving your trust relationship with your child is remaining calm and present and supportive, even while setting and maintaining reasonable boundaries. It is helpful to remember that the most strong-willed children tend to be the ones who identify the most strongly with their parents. So instead of viewing their seemingly constant challenges as defiance or attempts to thwart authority, work to parent from a place of understanding that your strong-willed child is actually on a discovery mission and is doing endless ‘research’ on you by testing and retesting and digging and chiseling to discover all of your quirks and foibles and ups and downs and strengths and weaknesses. This kind of testing isn’t negative unless you make it into a battle of wills instead of responding with gentle, respectful guidance. Taking this stance will help you to keep from seeing the challenges as personal insults and, instead, see the challenges as attempts to learn and grow and understand.
There is no doubt, though, that parenting a child with the gift of a strong will is a constant exercise in patience and self-regulation. The personal growth you will experience is invaluable as you seek to parent with empathy and wisdom and compassion, but it can be draining and will often stretch you far, far out of your comfort zone. Knowing that and being prepared for it will help you cope with the inevitable stresses, and being ready ahead of time with some specific strategies for handling the challenges will help you to respond calmly and effectively.
This is a good place to revisit the Three C’s of gentle discipline—Connection, Communication, and Cooperation.
Connection ~ Maintaining a secure connection with your spirited child is vital. It is the springboard from which all of your interactions with your child will originate, and it is the touchstone to which you will both return, again and again and again, when your relationship gets strained and stained and stretched.
- Play word games, board games, rough-and-tumble outdoor games, silly face in the mirror games. Play is the language of childhood, so make sure to speak your child’s language every day.
- Laugh together. Humor is an undervalued parenting tool. But it lowers defenses, inspires smiles, brings people together, and reconnects hearts.
- Read storybooks, chapter books, travel brochures, encyclopedias, anything that will inspire you to dream together, talk, plan, get excited, share interests.
- Focus more on who your child is than on what your child does. Remember, you’re growing a person, not fixing a problem. So make sure to spend time getting to know the person, not just the child. It doesn’t have to cost anything. Just walk together, talk together, share ice cream cones, spot shapes in the clouds, and enjoy each other.
Communication ~ Children have their own ‘inner world’ of thoughts and plans and problems and worries and hopes and dreams that are occupying their time and attention, so a lack of cooperation is often simply the result of having a different agenda than we do. Getting some insight into that ‘inner world’ is key in guiding and growing them respectfully.
- Listen with your heart. Listen ‘between the lines’ to what your child is communicating through their behavior. Listen and listen and listen some more. That is always, always the first step in communicating with your child.
- Reflect, connect, and redirect. Reflect what you hear, whether it’s communicated by your child’s behavior or their words. This not only validates their emotions and lets them know that you hear and understand them, but it also helps them to understand their own emotions. For instance, if your child is upset that he can’t have a cookie after brushing his teeth for bedtime, try saying, “I hear you. You’re upset because you want a cookie.” Then reestablish your connection, “I like cookies, too!” and offer a solution, “How about we go pick out the two best cookies and put them in a special container that we can take to the park in the morning?”
- Don’t take non-compliance as a personal insult. A strong-willed child is very much their own person with their own agenda. Focus on inviting cooperation instead of demanding obedience. Whether it’s staying in bed or cleaning up or whatever the issue, make it a team effort and come up with a game plan ahead of time. For example, you could say, “You seem to be having trouble staying in bed at night. What do you think would help you to be more ready to go to sleep when it’s time for bed?” or “It’s important to pick up our things so they don’t get broken, let’s put on the timer and work together for ten minutes and see who gets the most picked up.”
- Make a firm commitment not to resort to punishments to control behavior. The resentment that comes from being punished absolves children in their own minds of responsibility. It doesn’t teach them responsibility, and resentment can actually cause a lot of the behaviors you are trying to avoid.
- Communicate daily, outwardly to your child and inwardly to yourself, the positive aspects of your child’s personality. When the focus is on ‘fixing’ a child, they get the message that they are somehow broken, and that is not a healthy self-image to take into adulthood.
- ‘No’ is not a complete thought. It is an imperative, a command. It doesn’t teach. It tells. If you want your child to learn to think like an adult, take the time to explain your adult thinking.
- Remember that children, especially when they are upset, open ‘conversations’ through their behavior, and it’s up to us, the only adults in the relationship, to gently guide them toward continuing those conversations verbally as well as equipping them with the resources to be able to do so.
- Also keep in mind that the social mores of rudeness simply aren’t inborn and don’t apply to early interactions with our children. They are learned by imitating how we as parents behave. Politeness is a heart issue that cannot be imposed by the will of another unless we want it to only be an external façade instead of a heartfelt courtesy. Helping your strong-willed child learn to speak kindly means speaking kindly to your child as well as offering guidance when they’ve been rude such as saying, “That is not a nice tone of voice” or “That isn’t a kind thing to say” and then offering a do-over “Can you try saying that to me again more nicely? I’ll always try my best to be nice to you, and I would like you to try to do the same for me.” (see Appendix B in The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline for more ideas)
Cooperation ~ Always keep at the forefront of your parenting goals that you are seeking thoughtful cooperation, not mindless compliance. That way you will remember to treat your child as a thoughtful individual with ideas and needs and feelings of their own instead of a mindless drone there to do your bidding.
- Set clear limits and explain them in age-appropriate terms. Remember, if you want to invite cooperation, you have to actually issue the invitation to cooperate!
- Limit the number of limits. Spirited children are often stressed children simply because of their own intense emotions and reactions to things, so set them up for success by keeping your limits few and clear and by maintaining them consistently.
- Make sure to let your child have a voice in determining the limits so they feel like they have some control over their lives and so they feel some ownership over the limits.
- Brainstorm together ways of helping everyone to work together. Some ideas are to come up with hand signals or words that remain your little secret codes to indicate when it’s time to leave the park or to do homework or to dial the activity level or noise volume down a few notches.
- Invite cooperation by creating daily routines together. Don’t be surprised if your child ends up being the one who is a stickler for following the routine, even to the point of nagging you to follow it. These gifted children tend to be all-in, fully focused and committed, and they’ll expect you to be the same!
- Cooperate with your child’s needs and personality by working with them rather than against them. For instance, if you know that your child has a hard time leaving a project, give them plenty of time to find a good stopping point when you need them to leave it for a while. Or if you know that your child has a hard time following directions at bedtime, try writing or drawing the tasks that need to be done (i.e. toothbrushing, pajamas, etc.) on ping-pong balls and put them in a small ‘bedtime jar’ so your child can feel some control over their routine as they independently pick out the balls one by one for a ‘surprise’ nighttime order of tasks or take them all out and decide what order to do them in themselves.
- If you are already locked in a head-to-head power struggle, put away your boxing gloves so your child will (eventually!) feel safe putting away theirs. When you battle with your child, you may win a skirmish or two, but you will lose the treasure…your trust relationship. Putting away the gloves means slowing down, breathing through your own emotions, and finding a way to work through the issue together. Remember, you’re the adult in the relationship, but that doesn’t give you the right to overpower your child; it gives you the responsibility to empower your child. That involves modeling the tools of diplomacy—communication, cooperation, compromise—that you want your child to stock in their own emotional toolkit.
Remember, the children who come into the world with their ‘boxing gloves on’ so to speak are often the ones who become the biggest world changers. It’s not easy raising these little world-changers, I know (Believe me, I know. Two of my six are world-changers-in-the-making!), but the rewards are phenomenal!
Related posts:
Healing Your Hurts So You Don’t Hurt Your Children
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
When Children Act Out ~ Reflecting Our Emotions
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
The Incredible Power of the Whisper
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
The Thoughtful Parent’s Guide to Positive Parenting Guides
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Toddler Fighting Sleep? 20 Peaceful Sleepy-Time Tips
[By L.R.Knost, author of Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
Toddlers are infinitely curious little dynamos that may seem like clones of the Energizer Bunny…they keep going and going and going and…well, you get the idea! Even little ones who were supposedly ‘good’ sleepers in infancy often seem to lose the ability and/or the desire to sleep once they reach toddlerhood. Add a baby sibling (or one on the way!) to the mix, and you can find yourself right back to that zombie-mama state you thought you’d left behind after those first few exhausting newborn months. So what’s a zombie-mama to do? Here are a few tips to try and recapture some precious zzz’s for both yourself and your little one(s) and to turn those dreaded bedtime battles into peaceful bedtime snuggles:
- Stop stressing. Sometimes we get so focused on the latest study or research that tells us that the average child needs ‘x’ amount of sleep for optimal brain development, or how many naps the average child needs, or what time the average child should go to bed or wake up that we forget we aren’t growing an ‘average’ child. We’re growing a unique individual who may need more sleep or less sleep, or may be an early bird or a night owl, or may naturally sleep in long stretches or may sleep in shorter spurts. There is a wide range of normal, so try to stop focusing on the latest research and start focusing on discovering the normal sleep rhythms and needs of your own perfect little person!
- Speaking of sleep rhythms, start keeping a log of your little one’s sleep patterns. You may be surprised to find that they are getting more sleep than you think they are! For two weeks, write down what time your child falls asleep for naps and bedtimes, what time your child gets up, what activities precede nap and bedtimes (play, tv, bathtimes, books, etc.), how long before falling asleep those activities take place, how long the bedtime routine takes each night, how long it takes your child to fall asleep, etc. Keep in mind, the more detailed you make the log, the more information you’ll have to work with in addressing any sleep issues you’re having.
- Once you have a good idea of where you are, you can decide where you want to go. If your sleep log reveals that your little one is getting enough sleep (which, believe it or not, is normally the case since children are typically quite adept at knowing what they need and following their body’s cues!), you can relax and go with their own unique flow. Sometimes, though, when you have other children or need your child’s sleep patterns to fit your work schedule better or if your little one has adopted some sleep habits that are making life a bit difficult, you might want to tweak your little one’s sleep rhythms to fit more easily into your lifestyle. If that is the case, remember that tiny changes make for an easier transition than big ones.
- If you do need to tweak you little one’s sleep patterns, start by making a list of priorities. Do you want them to go to sleep earlier? Do you want them to sleep for longer stretches? Do you want to shift their naps to a different time of day? Write down the changes you want to make in order of importance, then write a specific plan to work with your child’s rhythms and personality to try to implement those changes.
- If your little one is taking forever to fall asleep at night, look at your sleep log and see if there is anything that could be contributing to the problem. For instance, if they’re watching tv in the evenings it may seem like they’re settling down in preparation for going to bed, but in actuality all that stillness combined with the stimulation of the lights and sounds are building up a kinetic energy in their little body that’s likely to come out in a burst of activity just when you’re ready for them to go to sleep! Other things that may be contributing to bedtime battles are hunger, a too-short or too-stimulating bedtime routine, a too-late nap, over-tiredness, or even just not being tired that early in the evening.
- To eliminate hunger as a contributor to bedtime battles, and also to help your toddler sleep for longer stretches, try adding a late snack with sleep-inducing foods rich in tryptophan and calming magnesium such as almonds, sunflower seeds, milk, yogurt, bananas, apples and peanut butter.
- A consistent bedtime routine isn’t just about performing the same rituals in the same order every night. It’s far more about starting bedtime consistently at around the same time each evening. Look at the log you created to find clues as to whether you’ve got a night owl or an early bird on your hands, and take your little one’s natural rhythms into consideration along with your own needs (i.e. getting up early for work, needing time with your spouse, etc.) when establishing their routine.
- A slow nighttime routine is always better than a speedy one, and toddlers tend to respond better when they have some semblance of control over their lives, so slow down in the evenings and give your toddler some control over their bedtime by cutting out colorful pictures of each element of the routine and pasting them on magnets or ping-pong balls, then let your toddler arrange the magnets in the order they want to do bedtime or pick the ping-pong balls out of a jar for a fun element of surprise.
- If there’s a particular element of the bedtime routine that your toddler resists, such as tooth-brushing, move that element entirely out of the routine so your toddler doesn’t relate it with bedtime. Try some of these toddler tooth-brushing tips and brush your little one’s teeth at least half an hour before starting your bedtime routine.
- Too little outside time and not enough rough-and-tumble play is a big contributor to sleep issues, so make sure that your little one is getting a daily dose of sunshine along with plenty of free play time to run and climb and jump and explore. Don’t forget to join them with some tickles and giggles to get those delightful belly laughs going and to fill their little lungs with healthy doses of oxygen and their little hearts with healthy doses of love.
- Another thing your sleep log may reveal is that your toddler just isn’t tired at the time you are trying to get them to sleep. If your log shows a consistent, quiet bedtime routine that your toddler enjoys and participates in, but they still don’t fall asleep within 15 to 20 minutes of laying down, try shifting bedtime later in 15 minute increments to see if that helps.
- If naptime is a problem, first check your daily routine to see if it’s just too busy for your little one to have enough time to relax and go to sleep easily. Remember that, while we may be able to work with our little ones to help their sleep patterns to fit our lifestyles a bit better, we can’t expect these tiny people who are so new to the world and have so many needs that may conflict with our plans to be the ones to do all the compromising!
- To shift the timing of your toddler’s nap, first look at your log and see if it’s reasonable to expect them to go to sleep earlier or later based on their current bedtime and wake time. It may be that you need to gradually shift their bedtime and/or wake time before you begin to try to shift their naptime. Any changes you want to make should be done in no more than 15 minute increments, and you should wait a several days between each shift for your child time to adjust.
- If you are making adjustments to your child’s sleep routine and they start resisting, slow down. You may even need to take a step or two back and wait a bit before moving forward again. Remember, the objective is to work with your child’s natural sleep rhythms and personality. If they resist, they are communicating their needs to you, and, as the adult, it’s up to you to ‘read’ your little one’s behavior and respond to the needs they don’t know how to articulate any other way so that you can make sleeping a peaceful part of each day instead of a daily battleground.
- Don’t discount the value of darkness to lull little ones to sleep and white noise to block out ambient noises. Also, make sure to use dim reddish or orangish lights for nightlights. Blue lights have been shown to suppress the release of the sleep-inducing hormone, melatonin.
- If you have an infant whose sleep rhythms you’re juggling as well as a toddler with sleep issues, start by creating a log for each of them. Follow the same suggestions above for your toddler as needed while letting your spouse have some one-on-one time with your infant. If you don’t have help, try wearing your baby in a wrap while going through your nighttime routine with your toddler or putting your baby to sleep before your toddler’s bedtime, if possible.
- If you have issues with getting your infant to sleep because of your toddler’s noisy interruptions, try putting together a basket of quiet time toys that only comes out when it’s your baby’s bedtime to keep their novelty value for your toddler.
- Remember, often what parents interpret as a toddler (or an infant) fighting sleep is actually them fighting separation from their primary attachment figures. Nighttime can be a dark and scary time for a little person, and being forcibly separated from the people they count on all day to take care of their needs and comfort them when they’re afraid merely compounds the issue. Laying down with your little one and softly humming or telling a quiet story or simply being near can allay those fears and help them to drift off to sleep more quickly and peacefully.
- If you’ve been cosleeping and are ready to transition your toddler to their own space, try these gentle transitioning tips.
- Last, but certainly not least, keep in mind that these early days of childhood will pass quickly and your little one will mature in their sleep rhythms as surely as they will grow in stature and independence, and soon they won’t need the same time-intensive parenting they need now, though they’ll always need the same intense love, just in different ways.
Related posts:
25 Tips to Prepare Children for a New Sibling
Love in the Time of Cosleeping
Transitioning from Cosleeping: A Toddler’s Own Space
Babywearing Basics Resource Guide
The Terrible Trouble with Toothbrushing: A Toddler’s Perspective
The Thoughtful Parent’s Guide to Positive Parenting Guides
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
10 Ways to Play with your Children when Play is the Last Thing on your Mind
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Helping Unique Learners Find Their Genius ♥
[From Raising Bookworms: Life, Learning, and Literacy by L.R.Knost available 2014; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline now available on Amazon]
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Homeschooling a unique learner can be challenging simply because they don’t get the benefit of access to testing and professional support without a lot of initiative, research, phone calls, and door-knocking on your part. But the trade-off is the freedom to tailor your teaching and learning environment to your child’s needs, and that is of incredible value when educating a unique learner.
Albert Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Unique learners have beautiful minds just waiting to find their genius. We just need to look outside of the box to help them find it!
Here are some of the tips, tools, and techniques I’ve learned through years of homeschooling my unique learners to help them work through the challenges they face on a daily basis:
1.) Lighten up…Everything in life is easier if you take it with a grain of salt and learn to laugh. Our unique learners will have more struggles and challenges than the average person throughout life, not just during their school years. That is an unavoidable fact. But who wants to be ‘average’ anyway? Help them to celebrate their uniqueness and embrace the future with grace and humor by sharing your own struggles, modeling coping techniques, and being able to laugh at your own mistakes. Make ‘even missteps are valuable steps on the road to success’ your homeschool motto!
2.) Play…Children learn best through play, and that applies to therapy, as well. Experience is the only true path to learning, so let their imaginations soar as they do the hard work of learning to cope with their unique challenges. (See some play-based, brain-enriching, and eye-tracking activities below)
3.) Jazz it up…Music truly is medicine for the soul. Buy a good set of headphones (not earbuds) and play classic instrumentals softly while your unique learner is trying to concentrate, whether it be on reading or writing or drawing, etc. Filtering out the cacophony of life and soothing their stress levels with the gentle strains of Mozart are only some of the benefits of music. Another benefit is that the rhythms, cadence, and timing of music actually have an organizing effect on the brain!
4.) Exercise…Invest in an exercise bicycle (We got ours for $15 from a yard sale!) that lets your
unique learner sit in a comfortable seat while pedaling. The cross-over action of pedaling also has an organizing effect on the brain, and, if used while reading or playing video games (Video games can be great exercises for eye-tracking if you choose the right ones!) can actually increase the speed and effectiveness of learning.
5.) Get crunchy…Believe it or not, another ‘brain organizing’ activity is chewing, particularly crunchy foods, while reading, etc. Some good choices are pretzels, carrot sticks, celery, granola, and nuts. (If you’ve got a sensory sweetie like I do, be careful to let them choose something that won’t send their senses into overdrive.) Sugarless chewing gum can be substituted when you go places where foods aren’t appropriate, but still would like to offer your child a calming, organizing aid.
6.) Listen, listen, listen…Your unique learner will have more than their share of stress and possibly a harder time articulating it than others might. Slow down and really focus on what they are communicating. Listen ‘between the lines’ to their heart, their hurts, their fears, their needs. Be their safe place, their source of comfort and renewal.
7.) Hug it out…Physical closeness is healing, and so make sure that along with the extra struggles and challenges your unique learner faces, they get lots of extra cuddles, snuggles, and hugs. When they get older, a gentle touch on their shoulder or a light hand on their arm will be instantly calming and comforting because it will tap into those feelings of comfort and closeness from earlier childhood.
8.) Watch and learn…Just as every child is different, every child with challenges is unique in how they manifest those challenges and how they handle them. Paying careful attention to your own unique learner’s personality, struggles, aversions, triggers, etc. will give you clues as to how to help them learn to cope. With SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), for example, avoiding unpleasant stimulus and providing needed stimulus is the name of the game. Typically, you’ll want to provide a quiet learning area at home, lots of freedom to move, permission to step away and de-stress when they feel overwhelmed, etc. and, when going out, avoid buffet-style restaurants and loud, crowded shopping and entertainment venues.
9.) Guide them gently…Discipline (guiding, modeling, teaching, etc.) invites communication and strengthens your parent/child connection. Punishment stifles communication and strains parent/child connections. Keep those vital lines of communication open and your parent/child connection healthy by providing consistent boundaries and gentle guidance, being open to discussion, and modeling the desired behavior.
10.) Read, read, read…Successful readers are not simply those who understand the mechanics of reading any more than successful biking is understanding the mechanics of a bicycle. Readers are born when a love for reading is fostered. Let them see you reading often. Cuddle up and read to them when they are young. Co-read (you read a sentence, they read a sentence, etc) when they are new readers or when they are tired or struggling. Let them read comics (The relation of pictures to words is a huge aid in reading comprehension.). For more reading tips, see Raising Bookworms.
Here are some exercises and activities that have helped my Renaissance Girl with her challenges with SPD, dyslexia, ADD, visual/auditory processing disorders, dyscalculia, etc:
Gross motor and fine motor cross-over exercises to get the two sides of the brain communicating more efficiently…
~Bouncing a brightly colored ball back and forth between us using alternate hands (left, right, left, right, etc.)
~Skipping, marching, swinging while singing 
~Climbing
~Balance beam
~Bicycling
~Piano
~Sorting 
Brain-organizing activities…
~Memory matching
~Tonal music
~Free-style building with blocks, Tinker Toys, Legos, etc.
~Design-matching building
~Sensory bins
Eye-tracking activities…
~Laser pointer games-following a laser pointer light in a darkened room, pointing to moving targets (i.e. bubbles), etc.
~Ceiling tracing-following the seam of the wall and ceiling from corner to corner moving only the eyes
~Video games-Flash Focus and Brain Age are good choices for the Gameboy. Wii Fit, Carnival Games, and Sports Games are good for the Wii. There are also great games for improving eye-tracking for the X-box, Playstation, and online. If you do the research to find what best fits your child’s interests, you’ll have much better participation!
Visual-motor learning…
~Clay letters-tactile learning by forming letters and words on a template with clay or dough 
~Contextual learning-Children with dyslexia tend to learn better in context than by breaking things down to their parts, so phonics-based learning is often mind-boggling for them. Flashcards are a no-go because speed and movement impede their attempts to focus rather than help them. Writing-based learning such as copying and illustrating short poems, copying a short sentence from a wall-mounted chalkboard or large paper taped to the wall and illustrating it, writing and illustrating their own stories, and writing stories on the computer are great ways to help them learn to read.
~Once they are beginning to read, graphic novels, large-print chapter books on topics that interest them, and continued creative writing are excellent practice.
~Online reading games can be helpful, but only if they are untimed (Timed anything is a huge stressor and sets them up for frustration and failure.) and your child feels comfortable with the level of activity and brightness on the screen as otherwise these can cause headaches and their eyes to tire quickly.
These tips are not, of course, exhaustive or a replacement for professional therapies. But as you work your way through what can often be a labyrinth of paperwork, meetings, appointments, etc. on your way to finding the services your child needs, these may help to ease the wait a bit. 🙂
Related posts:
Children who love to read…READ! Engaging children’s hearts in the wonder of reading instead of just training their minds in its mechanics. Raising Bookworms
It’s time for a return to childhood, to simplicity, to running and climbing and laughing in the sunshine, to experiencing happiness instead of being trained for a lifetime of pursuing happiness…it’s time to let children be children again. A Return to Childhood
Think homeschooled children are unsocialized, over-controlled, locked-away-from-the-world misfits? Think again! My Renaissance Girl
Successful reading means far more than possessing the ability to read. Engaging the hearts of students moves reading success beyond a life skill and turns it into a life style. And graphic novels are too powerful of a tool in our arsenal to be disregarded because of pride or prejudice. Raising Super Readers~The MARVELous Power of Comic Books!
In the world of a child wonders are as simple as sticks and sheets, leaves and books, boxes and giggles, and the promise in a rainy day. The Seven Wonders of the World of Childhood
Parenting choices strongly impact the level and type of attachment a child develops and, by extension, the development of a love of learning. A love of learning grows when it isn’t stifled by fear or stress or regimented by over-structuring or a focus on achievement or competition. Parents fostering a healthy attachment are thus also fostering a life-long love of learning in their children. Live to Play~Play to Learn~Learn to Live!
If you give a toddler a book
He’ll climb into your lap
While he’s in your lap
He might lay his head on your chest
When he lays his head on your chest
He’ll hear your heartbeat
When he hears your heartbeat
He’ll probably ask if you can hear… If You Give A Toddler A Book…
Einstein recognized his unique lens and often commented about it and about how organized education systems didn’t accommodate individuality and creativity. Here is a look into this ‘unique learner’s’ mind in his own words…Beautiful Minds
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Baby on the Way! 25 Tips to Prepare Children for a New Sibling
[By L.R.Knost, author of Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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Pregnancy is a time of introspection, excitement, and, often, anxiety for most new mamas. When those new mamas also have other small children at home, that anxiety can become overwhelming as they worry about how they’ll cope with more than one child and how the current little loves of their life will cope with a new sibling. While these are very valid concerns, there are steps you can take to prepare your child for a new sibling and help them to adjust when the new baby arrives that will also help you to cope with life as a mama of more than one little blessing.
Once you discover you’re expecting, you’ve got months and months to prepare your child for the arrival of a new sibling, so here are 25 tips for during your pregnancy and after the new baby arrives to make the new baby transition a smoother and sweeter journey for everyone:
- Help your older child make their own ‘sister/brother on the way’ announcements so they feel like they are part of the transition from the beginning.
- Bring them along to sonograms, doctor’s appointments, shopping for baby things, etc.
- Reassure them that parents’ love multiplies instead of divides and that they will always be loved and important. Point out other families with more than one child so they can see that truth for themselves. If they’re old enough to understand, try a simple illustration such as letting them put different colors of water beads, one for each family member including the baby-on-the-war, into a glass of water. Tell them the water is like love, and it grows the beads into a rainbow of beautiful colors just like love grows our hearts bigger and bigger so there’s plenty of love for everyone.
- Present the new baby-on-the-way as ‘theirs,’ a special gift sent just for them so they will have a best friend for life. Talk about their friends who have siblings and how they always have someone to play with and someone to help them when they need it.
- Find children’s books about welcoming a new sibling, taking care of a new baby, when mommy breastfeeds, etc. to read to them before the birth. Here is a great list to get you started.
- Let them help decorate the nursery, put together the stroller, pack up the hospital bag (or prepare for your homebirth), buckle in the car seat, etc.
- Ask the person giving your baby shower to let your child ‘co-host’ and help with the party planning, set-up, serving snacks, and playing games.
- Help them make a special ‘welcome’ gift for the new baby and wrap it in paper they’ve decorated with stamps or finger paint.
- Buy them a special ‘welcome’ gift that you give them when they visit their new sibling for the first time. One idea is to buy them a child-sized baby carrier along with a doll, some diapers, wipes, mini baby blankets, etc. so they can take care of their baby while you take care of yours.
- Help them make their own family scrapbook with places to put the new baby’s pictures and pictures of them with their new little sibling when the new baby comes.
- Tell them stories about when they were born and show them pictures of their homecoming and first weeks of life.
- Let them help you work on updating their baby book.
- Take them to pick out a baby book for the new baby.
- Begin an open-ended conversation about how they’re feeling about having a new baby in the family to allow them to express their natural worries about how their role in the family might change, if they will still be able to play with their own toys, if the baby will cry a lot, etc. Continue this conversation throughout your pregnancy and after the new baby arrives to keep the communication lines open and your connection intact.
- Take them to visit the hospital and stop at the gift shop to buy a baby gift and a little treat for them to build excitement.
- Have lunch at the hospital cafeteria two or three times leading up to your birth to help them get used to the environment.
- Work on building other attached relationships with significant adults in your child’s life (spouse, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) so that your little one is used to having their needs attended to by someone other than mama at times and so they can play and get one-on-one time with another caregiver while mama is busy with the new baby.
- On their first visit with their new sibling, let them sit in bed with you and hold their new little sibling. Have a ‘big sister/brother’ t-shirt for them to wear and take lots of pictures of both of them together and with other family members. Ask whoever you have caring for your older child to stop on the way home to print out a few of the pictures and then help them put the pictures in the scrapbook they created with you at home.
- When the new baby arrives continue to present the baby as ‘theirs’ to love and enjoy and care for. Include them in helping with diaper changes, snuggling on your other side with storybooks for you to read while nursing/feeding the new baby, singing the baby to sleep, etc. Make sure you invite them to participate instead of insisting because they may need some time to adjust to the newness of everything before they’re ready.
- Keep your expectations in line with your child’s developmental stage and make accommodations whenever possible. For instance, expecting a toddler to willingly give up their crib to a new baby is probably unrealistic. Moving your toddler to a new bed early in your pregnancy and then involving them in getting the crib ready for the new baby later on, after they’ve adjusted to their new bed, might be more successful.
- If your older child is a toddler or preschooler, you can expect some regression into babyish behavior as they work to adjust to their new role and find their place in the new family dynamic. Don’t respond with punishment, shaming, or pressure to ‘be a big boy or girl.’ Instead allow them the space and time they need to explore how it feels to be a baby again while at the same time drawing their attention to the benefits of being the older sibling (i.e. “Look how you can walk on your strong legs wherever you want to go! Your baby sister can’t walk yet, can she?” or “Wow, you can pick out your own shoes and even put them on yourself! Your baby brother can’t do that yet, can he?” or “Look at all the yummy foods you get to eat. It’s nice being bigger so you don’t have to just have milk, isn’t it?”)
- Be specific about how your child should treat the new baby. Instead of “Be nice!” try “Can you use a kind voice with your brother?” and instead of “Don’t be so rough!” try “Can you give your sister a gentle hug?”
- Make sure your child’s boundaries are clear and consistent. If you let them hop around the baby’s bouncer to make the new baby laugh one day, you can be sure they’ll try bouncing around the baby’s bouncer again and again and again. If you think that’s dangerous, set a clear boundary, explain the reason for the boundary, and give them an alternative (i.e. “Hopping next to the baby is dangerous. You might fall on the baby and hurt him! That would make you sad, and the baby would be sad, too. If you need to hop, you can hop like a bunny over here next to me.”)
- Keeping a consistent, familiar routine for your older child will help them to feel less out-of-control as they adjust to all of the other changes going on in their life. Make sure you’re flexible and in-tune with your child’s changing needs, though. They will most likely communicate their natural anxiety at this big transition in the family with some acting out behaviors, clinginess, whining, and/or resistance to bedtime and other normal routines. For instance, they may have been fine with one story and a hug at bedtime before the new baby arrived, but after their new sibling comes home they may need extra cuddles, time, and the reassurance of your love and ongoing commitment to their wellbeing before they’re able to go to sleep.
- Talk, talk, talk to your little ones throughout each and every day. Your hands may be busy more often than not, but you can still maintain that all-important connection through communication!
Keep in mind that nothing will completely eliminate the possibility of some jealousy, regression, or acting out when a new baby arrives because it’s a huge transition and it will take time for everyone in the family to adjustment, but these suggestions will go a long way toward setting the stage for the smoothest transition possible.
Related posts:
Ten Steps to Surviving the First Three Months with a Newborn
Love in the Time of Cosleeping
300+ Nicknames for Your Babykins…Doodlebug…Snugglebunny…
Babywearing Basics Resource Guide
Breastfeeding, Babywearing, and Bouncing Back into Shape after Baby
The Thoughtful Parent’s Guide to Positive Parenting Guides
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
10 Ways to Play with your Children when Play is the Last Thing on your Mind
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Why Whining is a Win!
[Reprinted from Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood by L.R.Knost. Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline also available through Amazon and other major retailers.]
It’s seven o’clock and you’re finishing up the dishes before starting bedtime baths. And then it starts…the whining. Every. Single. Night. Your four-year-old knows the routine. She knows you are going to read her favorite bedtime book. She knows you will let her choose which pajamas to wear. She knows she has to brush her teeth. But that doesn’t stop her from standing in the kitchen night after night whining about the same things.
So what’s the deal? Short-term memory loss? An innate desire to drive you crazy? A disorder of the vocal cords that makes using a normal voice impossible after the sun sets and every time she doesn’t get her way all day long?!?
Here’s a shocker for you: Whining is actually a sign of maturity! Yep, that unnerving, endless, nails-on-a-chalkboard, make-your-head-explode whine is a sign that your little one is growing up and, get this, gaining self-control! I can see your heads shaking, but read on, parents, caregivers, and bleeding ears of the world, read on.
Whining, believe it or not, is an advanced skill. Babies come into the world with exactly one form of verbal communication–crying. They may smack their lips and root for the breast when hungry. They may arch their back or wiggle in discomfort when they need a diaper change. But when physical expressions don’t result in needs being met or their needs are emotional rather than physical, then crying is always the ‘default’ communication. Every need, every discomfort, every bit of loneliness or anxiety or frustration or stress has to be communicated through that one single venue.
Over time as babies grow into toddlers, they begin to learn new ways to communicate, pointing, grunting, picking up a few words here and there, and they move into a more interactive stage wherein they make attempts to communicate in these new ways, but fall back very quickly into crying if they aren’t understood and responded to quickly.
As time goes on, toddlerhood gives way to the preschool years and language skills advance, becoming the main source of communication for a little one. But even so, their grasp of language is limited and their prefrontal cortexes (center of forethought/pre-thinking skills) are still developing. This leads to a rather dichotomous situation in which they know what they want to say, but often can’t quite put the words together quickly or clearly enough for us oh-so-impatient adults.
As they work to communicate, their frustration levels rise and stress hormones sap the blood flow from those underdeveloped ‘thinking’ portions of their brains and, just when they need the use of language the most, they begin to lose the ability to articulate their needs. As toddlers they would fall quickly back into crying at this point, but as preschoolers their more advanced self-control helps them to avoid immediately dissolving into tears and, instead, they fall into the ‘middle-ground’ of whining.
Whining is, in fact, just an advanced form of crying and, as such, is just as grating on the nerves as crying because it is designed to get the attention of a caregiver. The difference is actually in our attitudes toward whining. We accept crying as a normal part of baby and toddlerhood, but label the whining of a preschooler ‘bratty’ and ‘spoiled’ and refuse to listen to them until they ‘use their normal voice’ just when they need us to listen the most!
If we, as adults, would adjust our mindsets to accept the normalcy of whining, it would lose a bit of its power to annoy while enabling us to respond empathetically to our children when they’re mustering all their newly-developed coping skills to avoid a meltdown.
So, what can we do when our little ones lapse into ‘whine-eze’ and we feel like tearing our hair out? Well, as always, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure:
- Pay attention to the time of day whining seems to occur most often.
- Watch for triggers such as hunger, missed naps, and over-hurried schedules.
- Make whatever adjustments you can to prevent the whining before it starts.
- If all else fails and the whining does commence, remember that your little one is struggling to communicate in that moment. Respond by slowing down, sitting with them or kneeling down in front of them, and giving them your full attention.
- Use a quiet, soothing tone to reassure them, and listen patiently all the way through as they work their way back through the frustration and find the words to express themselves.
- You may not be able to give them the toy or snack or whatever else it is they want at that moment, but giving them the chance to be heard is often enough to forestall an all-out meltdown.
More than anything, though, giving your little ones the gift of your time and attention when they need it most (and often seem to deserve it least) will help foster that all-important connection that provides the basis for gentle guidance and boundary-setting. And, as an added bonus, children who feel heard tend to outgrow the whining stage much earlier than children who feel like they have to fight to be heard.
Related posts:
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
When Children Act Out ~ Reflecting Our Emotions
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
When Children Hit~10 Tips for Parents
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My!
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
The Thoughtful Parent’s Guide to Positive Parenting Guides
Whether you are an expectant parent, a new parent, or a seasoned parent, looking for a parenting book that resonates with your beliefs can be almost as overwhelming as parenting itself. The choices are practically endless when it comes to mainstream (read: punitive) parenting guides. In fact, if you go to the library or browse the shelves at Barnes & Noble or check out Amazon’s best-sellers in the parenting genre, you will find a predominance of popular, punishment-based, obedience-focused parenting guides. But when it comes to parenting guides with positive, practical, effective alternatives to punitive parenting, the choices are a bit more limited and can be harder to find. Here are more than a dozen positive parenting books for you that have beat the odds and worked their way through the maze of mainstream punitive parenting guides to become best-sellers:
Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost
Calm, Reassuring, Likable ~ Written in L.R.Knost’s signature easy-to-read and conversational style, ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day’ offers an overview of gentle parenting from birth through young adulthood along with concrete suggestions and insights into how to implement gentle parenting in each stage of childhood. Her seasoned and practical approach based on extensive child development research and years of parent mentoring as well as over twenty-five years of parenting her six children is as likable as it is reassuring. Parents with children of any age will find this information-packed book with its bite-sized chapters and practical approach to parenting a helpful and encouraging addition to their home library, as well as a welcome gift for new or struggling parents. ~The Parenting Review
Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood by L.R.Knost
Sweet, Funny, Insightful ~ Award-winning ‘Whispers Through Time’ by L.R. Knost is destined to be a dog-eared favorite, passed down from generation to generation. L.R. Knost shows parents how to find their own answers for their own children and their own families in this guidebook as she challenges conventional thinking with a wisdom born of experience and a healthy dose of research to back it up. Written with the same unique blend of sweetness and humor, grit and honesty, reassurance and insight that made L.R. Knost’s first book, ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages,’ a best-seller, ‘Whispers Through Time’ has become a runaway hit in its own right. ~The Parenting Review
The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline by L.R.Knost
Relaxed, Reassuring, Practical ~ Written by L.R.Knost, best-selling, award-winning author of ‘Two Thousand Kisses a Day’ and ‘Whispers Through Time,’ ‘The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline’ shares the simple secrets of a peaceful, happy home in the Three C’s of gentle discipline–Connection, Communication, and Cooperation. In her signature relaxed and poetic style, L.R.Knost gently guides parents through the steps of applying the Three C’s in real-life scenarios from tantrums to defiance to parenting a strong-willed child to healing a broken parent/child relationship. Practical and
proven, this newest installment in the Little Hearts Handbook parenting series will be tucked into diaper bags, kept handy on nightstands, and shared with good friends for its research-backed, experience-based, and humor-rich insights, ideas, and inspiration. ~The Parenting Review
Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by L.R.Knost
Intelligent, Well-Researched, Compassionate ~ L.R.Knost has done it again. With her compassionate tone, relational style, and intelligent, well-researched writing, Jesus, the Gentle Parent is like a refreshing, peaceful walk through the scriptures with a friendly and knowledgeable tour guide. This book differs from Two Thousand Kisses a Day, Whispers Through Time, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline in that it takes a Christian approach to parenting as L.R. takes on big names in the Christian child-training sect such as Dr. James Dobson, Tedd Tripp, Gary Ezzo, and Michael Pearl, breaking down their doctrine and reexamining such issues as spanking, instant obedience, submission, free will, and more in light of the original Hebrew and Greek texts of the scriptures. As always, L.R. offers gentle parenting alternatives along with real-life examples of their applications, but in Jesus, the Gentle Parent she goes even further and shares parenting insights based on the life of Jesus that will turn the mainstream Christian world on its head. This is truly a grace-based parenting book which shows parents how to be “their children’s first taste of God” by following in the gentle, wise, grace-filled footsteps of Jesus. ~ The Parenting Review
The Other Baby Book: A Natural Approach to Baby’s First Year by Megan McGrory Massaro and Miriam J. Katz
Massaro and Katz are helping mothers reclaim a simpler, more connected first year with their babies. Readers will find eight fun-to-read chapters filled with baby-friendly practices, along with stories from moms in-the-know. In a soothing yet sassy voice, the authors present compelling research on topics like birth, holding your baby, breastfeeding, infant sleep, pottying babies (yes, really!), sign language, baby-led solids, and self-care for moms. The book also features contributions from leading practitioners in baby care: Dr. James McKenna, Dr. Janet Zand, Naomi Aldort, Gill Rapley, Nancy Mohrbacher, and more.
Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Cosleeping by James J. McKenna
Intelligent, respectful, and informative, ‘Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide’ is your guide to understanding how to make night-times with your baby safe, fun and relaxing! Written by the world’s foremost authority on co-sleeping, James J. McKenna, Ph.D. Professor of Biological Anthropology, Director, Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory, University of Notre.
The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby by William Sears and Martha Sears
Might you and your baby both sleep better if you shared a bed? How old is too old for breastfeeding? What is a father’s role in nurturing a newborn? How does early attachment foster a child’s eventual independence? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears — the doctor-and-nurse, husband-and-wife team who coined the term “attachment parenting” — answer these and many more questions in this practical, inspiring guide. Attachment parenting is a style of parenting that encourages a strong early attachment, and advocates parental responsiveness to babies’ dependency needs. “The Attachment Parenting Book” clearly explains the six “Baby B’s” that form the basis of this increasingly popular parenting style: Bonding, Breastfeeding, Babywearing, Bedding close to baby, Belief in the language value of baby’s cry, Beware of baby trainers. Here’s all the information you need to achieve your most important goals as a new parent: to know your child, to help your child feel right, and to enjoy parenting.
Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik
Attachment parenting rests on one revolutionary principle: you already know the majority of what you need to know to be an incredible parent. Popularized by physicians like Dr. William Sears and Dr. Jay Gordon, attachment parenting directly contradicts the two hundred years of Western culture that has convinced us that we need a lot of help: help giving birth; help “teaching” our baby to sleep; help just being a parent. ‘Beyond the Sling’ is not that kind of parenting book.
Mayim Bialik shows us that by understanding the basic theories of attachment and infant development—and incorporating age-old childrearing methods like breastfeeding, baby wearing, gentle discipline, and co-sleeping—we can truly be the parents that nature intends us to be. With a PhD in neuroscience and a specialization in the hormones of attachment, Bialik is uniquely qualified to explain the science behind the method and how it’s your evolutionary right to tap into your intuition and enjoy every stage of parenthood. A mother of two young boys, she also offers a firsthand account of how she came to follow the tenets of attachment parenting, plus a down-to-earth guide to making this lifestyle work for every kind of family.
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This bestselling classic includes fresh insights and suggestions as well as the author’s time-tested methods to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships, including innovative ways to:
-Cope with your child’s negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment
-Express your strong feelings without being hurtful
-Engage your child’s willing cooperation
-Set firm limits and maintain goodwill
-Use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline
-Understand the difference between helpful and unhelpful praise
-Resolve family conflicts peacefully
Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectful approach of Faber and Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need — and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including “time-outs”), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That’s precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it’s not the message most parents intend to send.
More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting — including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
Have you ever stepped back to watch what really goes on when your children play? As psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen points out, play is children’s way of exploring the world, communicating deep feelings, getting close to those they care about, working through stressful situations, and simply blowing off steam. That’s why “playful parenting” is so important and so successful in building strong, close bonds between parents and children. Through play we join our kids in their world–and help them to:
-Express and understand complex emotions
-Break through shyness, anger, and fear
-Empower themselves and respect diversity
-Play their way through sibling rivalry
-Cooperate without power struggles
From eliciting a giggle during baby’s first game of peekaboo to cracking jokes with a teenager while hanging out at the mall, Playful Parenting is a complete guide to using play to raise confident children. Written with love and humor, brimming with good advice and revealing anecdotes, and grounded in the latest research, this book will make you laugh even as it makes you wise in the ways of being an effective, enthusiastic parent.
The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting by Bunmi Laditan
The Honest Toddler provides an indispensable manual to parenting that places the toddler’s happiness front and center. Outrageously confident and sweetly indignant, the Honest Toddler tackles everything from preferred toddler foods (unbroken crackers and undiluted juice), sleep- and potty-training methods (none), playdate etiquette (mi casa es not su casa), and the proper response to random aggression at the playground (Embrace it. Park justice is messy but swift).
The result is a parenting book like no other, one that will leave moms and dads laughing, and maybe crying, as they recognize their own child in the ongoing shenanigans of one bravely honest toddler. Lighthearted and tongue-in-cheek, this toddler’s eye-view is a real eye-opener for parents, giving valuable insight into the inner workings of the toddler mind.
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Laura Markham
A groundbreaking guide to raising responsible, capable, happy kids…Based on the latest research on brain development and extensive clinical experience with parents, Dr. Laura Markham’s approach is as simple as it is effective. Her message: Fostering emotional connection with your child creates real and lasting change. When you have that vital connection, you don’t need to threaten, nag, plead, bribe—or even punish.
This remarkable guide will help parents better understand their own emotions—and get them in check—so they can parent with healthy limits, empathy, and clear communication to raise a self-disciplined child. Step-by-step examples give solutions and kid-tested phrasing for parents of toddlers right through the elementary years.
If you’re tired of power struggles, tantrums, and searching for the right “consequence,” look no further. You’re about to discover the practical tools you need to transform your parenting in a positive, proven way.
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
In this pioneering, practical book, Daniel J. Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author of the bestselling Mindsight, and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson offer a revolutionary approach to child rearing with twelve key strategies that foster healthy brain development, leading to calmer, happier children. The authors explain—and make accessible—the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. The “upstairs brain,” which makes decisions and balances emotions, is under construction until the mid-twenties. And especially in young children, the right brain and its emotions tend to rule over the logic of the left brain. No wonder kids throw tantrums, fight, or sulk in silence. By applying these discoveries to everyday parenting, you can turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child’s brain and foster vital growth.
Complete with age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives.
Bloom: Helping Children Blossom by Lynne Kenney and Wendy Young
A Lovely Listopia of Practical Approaches to Behavioral Issues ~ From Pediatric Psychologist Dr. Lynne Kenney and Behavioral Specialist Wendy Young, ‘Bloom: Helping Children Blossom’ is an excellent resource for parents, teachers, and caregivers. ‘Bloom’ provides insights into the emotional development of children, offers specific ‘scripts’ for how to communicate effectively when dealing with behavioral issues, challenges parents to examine their own emotional responses, and provides detailed professional resources for parents who feel their children may need therapeutic assistance and support. Down to earth and practical, ‘Bloom’ is refreshingly written in an approachable, conversational style that makes its resources as accessible as they are invaluable.
The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes
Do you want to create a more positive and peaceful home? Are you tired of parenting formulas and techniques that just don’t work and leave you feeling at odds with your child? Learn the 5 principles of positive parenting and discover how to bring connection and peace back into your relationship with your child. You’ll learn a new way in which to relate to your child, one which fosters connection rather than disconnection, respect rather than rebellion, and cultivates a healthy relationship which you can enjoy throughout the years.
Written by best-selling author, blogger, and the founder of Positive-parents.org whose Facebook community is more than 40,000 strong, Rebecca Eanes is not a typical parenting ‘expert’ but writes parent to parent with the inspiring message of creating peaceful homes through positive parenting.
Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide for Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Action in Early Childhood by Laura Ling and Rebecca Eanes
Parenthood is a beautiful journey. We don’t have to become adversaries with our children; doing so is very unnatural to our humanity. We are all wired for connection, for closeness, and for love. Positive parenting frees us to move from the traditional parenting roles which create friction and rebellion and allows us instead to move into a more natural role which creates cooperation and peace. The inevitable conflicts that arise in a relationship no longer define the relationship, but serve as stepping-stones to greater understanding and connection.
There is an abundance of resources available which tell parents why traditional parenting practices are not optimal, but few help parents learn what to do in place of traditional practices. In this book, we’ll discuss the principles of positive parenting, and then we will go through more than 40 scenarios to show you what it looks like when these principles are put into action.
Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Edward Runkel
ScreamFree Parenting is not just about lowering your voice. It’s about learning to calm your emotional reactions and learning to focus on your own behavior more than your kids’ behavior . . . for their benefit. Our biggest enemy as parents is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional reactivity. When we say we “lost it” with our kids, the “it” in that sentence is our own adulthood. And then we wonder why our kids have so little respect for us, why our kids seem to have all the power in the family. It’s time to do it differently. And you can. You can start to create and enjoy the types of calm, mutually respectful, and loving relationships with your kids that you’ve always craved. You can begin to revolutionize your family, starting tonight.
Parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents. If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge. What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what. Easier said than done? Not anymore, thanks to ‘ScreamFree Parenting’ the principle-based approach that’s inspiring parents everywhere to truly revolutionize their family dynamics. Moving beyond the child-centered, technique-based approaches that ultimately fail, the ScreamFree way compels you to:
Focus on yourself ~ Calm yourself down ~ Grow yourself up
By staying calm and connected with your kids, you begin to operate less out of your deepest fears and more out of your highest principles, revolutionizing your relationships in the process.
Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year by Megan Tietz and Laura Oyer
Over the years, a mainstream approach to Christian parenting has emerged, and it’s one that promotes sleep training and feeding schedules for infants, warns that spoiled children and marital discord are certain by-products of homes where newborns are over-indulged, and promotes these methods as the Biblical way to care for a new baby. Unfortunately, the message of mainstream parenting advice preys on the universal fear of new parents everywhere: the fear that if they stray from the program, their babies and their marriages will suffer.
In Spirit-Led Parenting: From Fear to Freedom in Baby’s First Year, two mothers share their stories. They tell of a journey that began in fear-soaked, tear-stained days marked by an overwhelming fear of failure that eventually found redemption in discovering the freedom to ignore the wisdom of man and follow the direction of the Spirit.
Sharing from their unique experiences as well as their shared philosophy, Megan and Laura play the role of big sisters, wrapping their arms around the shoulder of the new mother trying to navigate the confusing world of life with a baby and answering those important questions: “What if the ‘right’ way doesn’t feel ‘right’?” and “Could there be more than one way to honor God as I care for my baby?”
There is another way. That’s what they wish they had been told as new mothers. And it’s the message they are passionate about sharing with new parents everywhere.
Attached at the Heart: Eight Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker
Practical parenting advice for the modern age…In its most basic form, “attachment parenting” is instinctive. A crying baby is comforted and kept close to parents for protection. If hungry, he or she is breastfed. And while it is understood that there is no such thing as perfect parenting, research suggests that there is a strong correlation between a heightened sense of respect, empathy, and affection in those children raised the “attachment parenting” way.
Using the Eight Principles of Parenting, readers will learn:
- How to prepare for baby before birth
- Why breastfeeding is a must for busy moms
- When to start feeding solid food
- How to respond to temper tantrums
- Sleeping safety guidelines and the benefits of cosleeping
- Tips for short separation
- How to practice positive discipline and its rewards
- Tips for finding and maintaining balance
- The benefits of using a baby sling and implementing infant massage
- Tips on dealing with criticism from those opposed or unfamiliar with AP style
- The dangers surrounding traditional discipline styles of parenting
Contrary to popular belief, “attachment parenting” has been practiced in one form or another since recorded history. Over the years, it had been slowly replaced by a more detached parenting style—a style that is now believed by experts to be a lead contributing factor to suicide, depression, and violence. The concept of “attachment parenting”—a term originally coined by parenting experts William and Martha Sears—has increasingly been validated by research in many fields of study, such as child development, psychology, and neuroscience. Also known as “conscious parenting,” “natural parenting,” “compassionate parenting,” or “empathic parenting,” its goal is to stimulate optimal child development. While many attachment-parenting recommendations likely counter popular societal
beliefs, authors Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker are quick to point out that the benefits outweigh the backlash of criticism that advocates of detached parenting may impose.
Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy by Samuel S. Martin
Thorough, well-referenced, grounded in solid information, unquestionably scholarly, yet pleasurably readable, obviously written by a man with the deepest reverence for God’s Word and the responsibility of handling it accurately. This isn’t the work of a secular author who is trying to twist religious arguments to back himself up. It is the work of a brother in Christ who fully accepts the authority of Scripture. Honestly, I can’t imagine any serious student of the Bible reading this and still believing that spanking is Biblically endorsed. ~ Dulce de Leche
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
The Incredible Power of the Whisper
[Reprinted from Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood by L.R.Knost. Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a whisper is worth two thousand when it comes to parenting. In the same way that the instinctive human reaction to someone raising their voice is to raise our voice one octave higher, to out-shout the shouter, to over-power the person powering-up on us, the instinctive human response to someone whispering is to quiet down, to lean-in, to listen.
As parents, it’s up to us to exercise the wisdom and maturity to control our own instinctive reaction to our children’s piercing screams, ear-shattering shrieks, and mind-blowing, foot-stomping, out-of-control fits. Small people have big emotions and need help processing them. Their cries as babies and shrieks and tantrums as toddlers and meltdowns as preschoolers are, literally, cries for help.
Ignoring or punishing them, or reacting with anger ourselves, simply forces them to bury their unresolved emotions and causes us to miss an opportunity to not only share our wisdom by helping them process their big feelings, but also to guide our children toward more appropriate ways to communicate as they grow. In some cases, when a child’s emotions are forced underground it results in a child who simmers with hidden rage just waiting to explode again or, worse, the rage may turn inward and result in a child who is withdrawn, detached, or even depressed.
Having parenting tools ready and waiting for the inevitable challenges of raising little humans is wise. When emotions begin running high, and as parents we can feel our own stress levels rising, knowing we have a well-stocked parenting toolbox with tried and tested tools helps us to keep our cool so that we can parent more intentionally and effectively.
In the first weeks of life, a baby has one ‘default’ mode of verbal communication…crying. They may give physical cues to their needs such as chewing on their hands to indicate hunger or the beginning of teething, but their verbal communication takes the sole form of crying.
From those first tiny squeaks and mewls of a newborn, a baby’s cries mature into whimpers, squeals, screams, and sobs, all communicating one thing: “I need help.” When we respond to our baby’s cries quickly and gently, whether it’s to feed them or change them or give them a cuddle, we communicate in return, “I’m here. You can count on me.”
But then there are those times when we’ve fed them, changed them, burped them, rocked and cuddled and walked with them, and their piercing screams still shatter the silence…and our hearts. Those are times when parents often begin to feel overwhelmed, stressed, sometimes even resentful and angry because no matter what they try, they can’t ‘fix’ their baby and make them stop crying. It is in those moments of frustration and distress that we need to breathe in deeply to calm ourselves, then stop stressing over trying to ‘fix’ our baby and instead whisper in our little one’s ear, “I’m here. I’ve got you. We’ll get through this together.” They may not understand our words, but they will hear our heart.
The truth is that a baby’s cries can’t always be ‘fixed’ and sometimes the need they’re communicating is the need to express their emotions, but they always, always need the comfort and assurance that they will be heard and that their needs will be met and that they can trust us to be there for them, no matter what.
Once a baby reaches the crawling, exploring, discovering stage, they often have a great time experimenting with the volume, pitch, and range of their voice, much to the chagrin of their parents and pretty much everyone else within earshot. The ear-shattering squeals and bellows and joyful shrieks at this stage can be disconcerting to us parents, to say the least, especially when our little falsetto performs their operatic interpretation in public places such as doctor’s offices, libraries, and restaurants.
This is a prime opportunity to exercise the power of the whisper. When the first shriek splits the silence, we can hold our finger to our lips, smile like we’re inviting them to join in on a secret, and whisper, “It’s whisper time. Let’s use our little voices together.” Making a game out of it invites cooperation rather than demands obedience, a much more effective parenting technique, and practicing little voices together demonstrates what we want our little one to do instead of simply telling them what we don’t want them to do.
Don’t be surprised if it takes many repetitions over several outings before your little one begins to get the idea, though. As with all parenting, time and patience and an awareness (and acceptance!) of what is normal for each developmental stage is key.
Toddlers and preschoolers are famous for their big tantrums sparked by big emotions and big frustrations. Obviously being aware of and avoiding tantrum triggers such as hunger, tiredness, and over-stimulation is important. But even with the most proactive parenting, there may still be times when our little ones have unexpected, incomprehensible, inconsolable tantrums.
When faced with a toddler or preschooler in the throes of a tantrum, if we know what caused the tantrum, we can validate the emotion with a soft-voiced, “You’re angry (disappointed, sad, hurt) because you (fill in the blank).” Often just hearing their feelings put into words is enough to calm a toddler who is frustrated at their inability to express themselves, but sometimes they need a bit of time and support to work through their big emotions.
If the tantrum continues we need to stay calm and present and remember that we are modeling self-control and self-regulation when we practice those skills instead of having an adult-style tantrum in response to our child’s tantrum. Instead of trying to control our child’s outburst with demands or threats or bribes, we can simply stay close and whisper, “I hear you. I’m here.”
The secret of the whisper in taming a tantrum can be seen in the difference between dumping a bucket of water on a fire, which can force the fire underground where it may smolder and reignite unexpectedly, versus spraying a gentle mist on the fire so it’s slowly and fully extinguished, leaving the ground saturated so the fire won’t reignite. Settling your little one quietly and patiently with a whisper is the gentle mist that saturates them with your unconditional love and support so they don’t simmer with hidden rage that may erupt spontaneously again.
Remember, no matter the problem, kindness is always the right response. When your child is having a problem, stop, listen, then respond to the need, not the behavior. The behavior can be addressed later, after the need has been met, because only then is the door to effective communication truly open.
The thing to keep in mind is that there is no cure for childhood. There is no parenting secret that will ‘work’ to keep children from being children. Children will cry. They will tantrum. They will yell and giggle and climb and run and throw things and build things and hit and hug and explore and make glorious mistakes and incredible discoveries. They will be human. They will be children. And that’s more than okay. That’s beautiful, messy, wonderful childhood, just as it should be.
Parents are guides through the incredible journey of childhood, not to keep their children from experiencing childhood, but to keep them safe as they learn the magnificent life lessons that childhood has to offer.
Related posts:
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
10 Ways to Play with your Children when Play is the Last Thing on your Mind
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
Playground Confessions~Look Who’s Talking!
When Children Hit~10 Tips for Parents
Testing the Boundaries~What’s a Parent to Do?
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My!
Easy Peasy DIY Parenting Tools
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
The Terrible Trouble with Toothbrushing: A Toddler’s Perspective
[By L.R.Knost, author of Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
A Toddler Speaks…
Okay, let’s just get right to the point. I don’t like having my teeth brushed. In fact, I don’t think it’s overstating it to say that I flat-out despise having my teeth brushed. And I’ve got good, solid reasoning on my side.
Let’s look at the facts, shall we?
- Teething hurts, and I’ve always got either a tooth burrowing its way painfully through my gums to the surface or a newly-emerged tooth still partially embedded in inflamed gums or a tooth that’s just fully come in and is surrounded by irritated gums. Can you say, “Ouch!!!”
- I have very little control over the outside of my body. People (You know who you are!) are always picking me up without warning and putting me places I didn’t ask to go and wiping my face off without asking (Those wash cloths totally cover my mouth and nose, btw. Suffocation = not cool.) and putting clothes on me without even asking my opinion (Yes, I do have an opinion, and it is a valid one even if I can’t articulate why those purple pants bother me or why the brown shoes feel better than the blue ones.) and the list goes on. So losing control of the inside of my body is a really, really big deal!
- Ever heard of a gag reflex? If not, you should Google that. It’s real.
- Seriously, would you like someone getting all up in your face with a stick and shoving it in your mouth? (Btw, you might want to consider brushing your teeth before trying to brush mine. Or at least use a breath mint.)
Okay, so now that we’ve considered the facts, let’s take a look at a few suggestions to make toothbrushing a happier experience for all of us (Mainly me, of course.):
- I like choices, so how about offering some? You can let me choose between two brushes or two toothpastes or whether I want to brush before or after my bath. I may still be a bit resistant, but I’ll feel a little more in control of what happens to me.
- Speaking of choices, there are tons of toothbrushes out there, and some even have handles so I won’t feel like it can go down my throat and some have soft bristles all the way around the top so I can chew on it and get a lot of brushing out of the way painlessly. Who knows, it might even feel good on these aching gums!
- This should go without saying, but seriously, remember the sore gums, gag reflex, etc. Be aware. Be careful. Be gentle!
- Again, this should be obvious, but I am a real, live, thinking person with real, valid feelings, so how about asking if I’m ready to have my teeth brushed? And if I’m not ready, how about respecting that and modeling a bit of that patience you want me to learn (At least, I’m guessing that’s what you want me to learn since every time I ask you to play with me or get me something you say, “Just a minute, honey.” Just saying.) and waiting a few minutes. We could read a book or sing a song or something to get me in the toothbrushing mood.
- And speaking of modeling, go ahead and brush your teeth first while I hang out on your hip and watch. Seeing that it doesn’t hurt you and that everyone has to brush their teeth is very reassuring. Better yet, let me have a crack at brushing your teeth before you brush mine. Turn-about is fair play, right?
- I really do need to feel like I have some control over my body (Foundation for potty transitioning and all that sort of thing, you know.) so how about letting me brush my own teeth first and then you just finishing the job up and getting in all the hard places?
- Silliness is my language, so definitely get your funny-bone in action. Try calling toothbrushing more palatable names like ‘tickling the ivories’ or ‘tackling the tooth monsters’ or ‘tickle teeth time.’ I may or may not go along with your goof-ball approach, but I’ll appreciate the effort.
- Get your groove on and start singing your way to sparkling teeth. You can make up toothbrushing words to the ‘A,B,C Song’ or ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It’ or whatever song you like. Something like “This is the way we brush our monkeys…no, that’s not right…This is the way we brush our toes…” combines silliness with singing. Win-win! By the time you’re done messing up the song my teeth are all brushed, and I’m giggling so hard I don’t even realize it!
Well, that about covers it. Give it some thought, will you? Your toddlers will thank you!
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Remember, parents, gentle approaches to childhood issues won’t necessarily ‘work’ to eliminate normal behaviors, and resisting toothbrushing is a totally normal behavior, unfortunately. Gentle parenting is about working with your child through normal behaviors as kindly and respectfully as possible. They may still resist, but they will get that you aren’t just forcing things on them. Over time, your gentle and respectful approach will bear fruit, though, in a healthy, connected relationship.
Related posts:
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
10 Ways to Play with your Children when Play is the Last Thing on your Mind
200 Ways to Bless Your Children with a Happy Childhood
Playground Confessions~Look Who’s Talking!
When Children Hit~10 Tips for Parents
Testing the Boundaries~What’s a Parent to Do?
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My!
Easy Peasy DIY Parenting Tools
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
The ‘NO’ Zone
[Portions reprinted from Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood by L.R.Knost. Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
The life of a small child is comprised of a daily onslaught of tempting surfaces begging for the artistry of a crayon, tall places crying out to be scaled, lovely little objects in need of a mouth or nose to visit, and dozens of other alluring glass and liquid and sharp things to be explored through the physics of gravity, the kinetics of concoctions, and the application of Newton’s Laws of Motion. There is only one force powerful enough to defeat this nearly irresistible call of adventure, imagination, and discovery…the No!
Every child knows the power of the No to circumvent the most well-laid plans. Even tiny babies just weeks into the world are introduced to its power when they grasp a fistful of hair while nursing or reach for some lovely, squishy stuff while getting a diaper change. That itty bitty two-letter word is packed with a force beyond comprehension to a toddler, and when they finally figure out how to wrap their little lips around those letters and form the word “NO!” themselves, the possibilities seem limitless!
Do you want a cookie? “No!”…Well, actually, yes, but how cool is it that when I said “No!” I controlled whether or not someone gave me a cookie!
Do you want Daddy to hold you? “No!” Well, yes, but I got to decide whether someone held me or not for a change!
Do you want to play outside? “No!” Actually, I do, but do I really get to decide for myself where I go? Cool!
That kind of power and control can go to a little person’s head, for sure! And the change in the big people when the word is used against them clearly demonstrates its incredible value. Their faces go from happy to serious or even angry, and sometimes a little person can even make a big person yell. What dazzling power!
And then when little ones manage a few more words in their vocabulary, they can add direct quotes from the most powerful beings they know ~ mommy and daddy. Quotes like, “I said ‘No’!” and “Don’t you tell me ‘No’!” and “No means ‘No’!”
The authority! The dominion! The clout! And using them against those powerful beings, watching them turn red in the face and yell and threaten…well, it’s a little scary and makes a small person feel really disconnected and upset…but the surge of intense pleasure at feeling powerful and in control almost makes them feel like a big person for a moment!
And that’s what they most long to be, just like mommy and daddy ~ big and strong and smart and powerful.
So what’s a mommy or daddy to do when confronted with the No from their little power-mongers? First, take a deep breath, and then engage those adult brains.
What inherent power is there, really, in a little two-letter word? Only the power we give it! What if, instead of that tiny word being able to push our buttons, we just disconnected the buttons entirely and didn’t react to the No at all? It would simply become a no, just another word to celebrate our precious little people adding to their fledgling vocabularies.
What if we backed up even further and disenfranchised the No from the beginning? When our newborn baby’s flailing hands caught a tiny fistful of hair, what if we just smiled and gently removed it and kissed those itty bitty little fingers?
When our intrepid little explorers discovered the wonders of kitchen cabinets, what if we used cabinet locks but left one or two full of pots and pans and plastic bins for them to discover?
What if when our little people headed for the walls to do their best Michelangelo interpretation on them, we simply intercepted them and offered alternative canvases?
Or what if when they ascended the kitchen cabinets, we just scooped them up and headed outdoors for some climbing adventures?
The thing is, the No is only the No when we, the adults, make it the No. And it can become simply a no when we get creative and interactive and stop using a tiny two-letter word like it has “Phenomenal Cosmic Power in an itty-bitty living space!” (Aladdin 1994)
Related posts:
When Children Act Out ~ Reflecting Our Emotions
7-Year-Old Gentle Parenting Crusader
Changing the World, One Little Heart at a Time
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Whispers Through Time ~ Book Reviews, Author Interviews & Book Trailer
My first book trailer! This was sooooo fun. My children had a blast making it! My toddler decided she was going to join me during my segment, lol, so you’ll see me chatting with her a few times. Nothing wrong with a glimpse of real life, though, right? So, without further ado, here is the official book trailer for Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood. Enjoy!
I’m so honored to have these incredible voices for children reviewing Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood:
Sweet, Funny, Insightful: Whispers Through Time by L.R. Knost is destined to be a dog-eared favorite, passed down from generation to generation. As long as there are children being born into this world and toddlers having tantrums and teens racing toward adulthood at an alarming pace, there will be parents who will turn to this book for guidance. Why? Not because L.R. Knost has all the answers, but because she shows parents how to find their own answers for their own children and their own families. This guidebook challenges conventional thinking with a wisdom born of experience and a healthy dose of research to back it up. Written with the same unique blend of sweetness and humor, grit and honesty, reassurance and insight that made her first book, Two Thousand Kisses a Day, a best-seller, Whispers Through Time is sure to become a runaway hit in its own right. An absolute must-have for any home library. Highly recommended!
Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting Audio interview with the author
The Natural Parent Magazine Book trailer and summary
Kidlutions: Solutions for Kids Book review and contest
Parenting Beyond Punishment Book review and giveaway
The Path Less Taken Book review
Mommy Perks Book trailer and review
The Hippie Housewife Book review and giveaway
Diary of a Natural Mom Book review and giveaway
The Mahogany Way Book review and giveaway
Parenting with Understanding Book review and giveaway
Dr. Lynne Kenney: The Family Coach Book Trailer and review
Nurture Parenting Magazine Book trailer and giveaway
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 ‘Communication: Whispers Through Time’ explores the importance of communication and connection in parent/child relationships.
Chapter 2 ‘Baby Talk’ celebrates those first moments and days and weeks of communication between newborns and parents.
Chapter 3 ‘Becoming Mommy’ shares the beauty of embracing parenthood.
Chapter 4 ‘Baby Signing: A Gentle Introduction to Communication’ introduces the concept of using baby signs to communicate.
Chapter 5 ‘The Power of Perception’ explores the connection between a parent’s perception of their child’s motives and the parent’s response.
Chapter 6 ‘Eleven Tips to Beat the Mama Blues’ shares eleven ways to work through those sometimes hard, sometimes humdrum days of parenthood.
Chapter 7 ‘The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective’ explores life from the perspective of a toddler and offers guidance on how to use communication to reduce or eliminate tantrums.
Chapter 8 ‘The NO Zone’ shares ideas for how to respond when a toddler discovers how to use the word, “NO!”
Chapter 9 ‘The Secret of the Whisper’ offers a unique response to little people’s sometimes big emotions.
Chapter 10 ‘Ten Ways to Play When Play is the Last Thing on your Mind’ shares ten ideas for weaving play into an ordinary day
Chapter 11 ‘A Listening Heart’ breaks down the concept of listening and offers ideas for how to pinpoint the issue if listening is a problem.
Chapter 12 ‘A Child’s Heart’ shares a glimpse of the power of communication and connection.
Chapter 13 ‘Why Whining is a Win’ offers a unique perspective on that age-old annoying behavior…whining.
Chapter 14 ‘Can We Talk?’ explores adults’ use of figurative language and the confusion that can result for children.
Chapter 15 ‘Age of Reason: Why, oh Why, Do They Always Ask Why?’ examines why the why stage is so important.
Chapter 16 ‘Five Gentle Tools for Handling Lying’ shares a practical and gentle approach to lying.
Chapter 17 ‘Rethinking Tattling’ explores the importance of listening to tattling.
Chapter 18 ‘The Artist in the Child’ celebrates the differences in children through the unique perspective of the artist.
Chapter 19 ‘Whisper Words of Wisdom’ examines the unseen wounds that thoughtless words can inflict.
Chapter 20 ‘Love Means Sometimes Having to Say You’re Sorry’ shares the importance of making things right when you’ve done something wrong.
Chapter 21 ‘The sWord and the sTone’ covers the importance of living what you want your child to learn.
Chapter 22 ‘Chatterboxes and Dreamers: Is Your Child an Introvert or an Extrovert?’ discusses the different parenting approaches to different personalities.
Chapter 23 ‘I is for `I dunno’ and That’s Good Enough for Me’ shares some insights into the mysteries of the adolescent mind.
Chapter 24 ‘Backtalk is Communication: LISTEN!’ tackles the startling truth that when children talk back they are actually communicating.
Chapter 25 ‘My Huckleberry Friend’ shares the reasons that a parent should not only be their child’s friend, they should be their best friend.
Chapter 26 ‘Whispering Winds of Change’ explores the process of letting them go while still holding them close.
Chapter 27 ‘Messages in a Bottle: Our Hope for the Future’ shares thirty-two messages to write on the hearts and minds of your children before sending them out into the world.
Appendix A ‘Tips for Talking to Teens’
Appendix B ’12 Steps to Gentle Parenting’
Sample chapters:
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
The Taming of the Tantrum: A Toddler’s Perspective
10 Ways to Play when Play is the Last Thing on Your Mind
If you’d like to know more about Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages or Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, click the links to read more editorial and reader reviews.
Note: For those outside the US who would like to purchase books by L.R.Knost without Amazon’s high international shipping costs, a limited supply is available directly from the author here.
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
12 Tips for Gently Parenting Your Adult Children (Hint: It starts when they’re newborns)
[Portions reprinted from Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting also available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
All stages of parenting come with their own unique learning curve, their own challenges and frustrations, their own compromises and sacrifices, and their own flubs, false steps, and failures. From those first terror-stricken days with a newborn to the sleep-deprived months of infancy to the challenges of toddlerhood and beyond, parenting is a journey, not a destination. And when subsequent little ones arrive, the journey starts all over again as we discover that the lessons learned from parenting one child don’t always apply to the next as each have their own incomparable personalities, quirks, and individual identities.
The principles of gentle parenting (connection, empathy, respect, etc.) don’t change as our children grow, just as they don’t change from one child to the next. What does change is our understanding of those principles as we grow in wisdom and experience as parents and as human beings. The practical application of gentle parenting principles, though, can look very different from child to child and life stage to life stage. For instance, with an introverted child gentle parenting might involve a greater degree of physical proximity and emotional support whereas with a very extroverted child it may involve a greater degree of energy direction and respectful guidance.
This constancy of principles and individualized application of gentle parenting is no less true when parenting our adult children than it is when parenting our minor children. As gentle parents, we are our children’s first and best friend in the purest and truest definition of friendship. That sets the stage for the transition from the early parent/friend years to the parent-friendship that will characterize our relationship when our children grow into adulthood.
Here are 12 practical tips for gently parenting your adult children:
1.) Begin to consciously pay attention to your own parents’ interactions with you. Mentally catalog what you find helpful and what you find intrusive, what is an acceptable level of involvement, advice, and interaction and what feels overbearing or lacking. Make a mental note (or make actual notes if you’re a list person like me) to remember those feelings when your own children become adults.
2.) Remember, parenting is literally ‘on the job’ learning. Your parents are discovering by trial and error (often lots of error) what their roles and boundaries are in this uncharted territory of parenting adults. Model giving your parents grace when they overstep or underplay their roles. This will set the stage for your children to extend the same grace to you when seemingly overnight you suddenly find yourself learning to parent your own adult children.
3.) While your child is an infant, meet their needs swiftly, consistently, and gently. They won’t remember what you did or didn’t do at this stage, but they will always carry with them the safety, security, and love that they feel in your responsiveness, and that is they will take with them into adulthood.
4.) When your child reaches toddlerhood, focus on connection rather than correction. What will matter most in later years won’t be whether they wore matching shoes or left the park without pitching a fit. What will matter is whether they felt heard, understood, and respected.
5.) As your child moves into the preschool and early childhood years, focus on communication, whether that takes the form of whining, tattling, endless questions or some combination of all three. Continue to build a trust relationship by hearing their heart rather than their tone and responding with gentle guidance.
6.) When your child reaches the middle stages of childhood, listening to the endless stories from your chatterbox or offering empathy and quiet support to your dreamer will help them as they explore who they are and who they want to be when they grow up. You are building the friendship of a lifetime in these interactions, so make them a priority.
7.) Once your child enters the teen years, consciously begin to gradually shift your role into a supporting rather than a leading act. Listen not to their words, their attitudes, their hormones, their angst. Listen instead to their struggles, their hopes, their dreams, their fears. Remember, you are the only adult in the relationship at this point. They still have a lot of maturing to do. Practice self-control. Be honest about your own struggles, fears, and failings. You’ll be amazed at what a connection point that is as your teen discovers that they aren’t alone in their humanness. Be the first one to listen, the first one to forgive, the first one to apologize, the first one to understand, the first one to back down and try to find another way when the going gets tough.
8.) When your child becomes an adult, let them set the pace. Some children will hit eighteen and be ready to move into a university dorm or get a job and an apartment right away. Others will need a slower transition. They may need to stay at home while going to university or while taking some time to try out different jobs as they explore this strange new world of adulthood. There’s nothing wrong with adult children living at home, especially in difficult economic times such as these, but if the time comes that you feel they need a gentle nudge out of the nest you can help them to find an acceptable roommate or two and guide them through the process of settling into independent adulthood.
9.) Once your child is out on their own, your role will shift fully to a support system. Offering unsolicited advice is fine as long as it is briefly stated…once. After that, it becomes intrusive. Offers of help and invitations to family events, etc. should follow the same guidelines.
10.) When your child starts a family of their own, consciously bring to mind how you felt at various times when your own parents supported you in your new role and/or interfered with the establishment of your new little family. Acknowledge to yourself (and to them) that they won’t do everything the way you did, that they will make decisions you wouldn’t make, that you will offer advice that won’t be heeded, and that they will make mistakes and have to learn from them just like you did, and remind yourself that those things are all perfectly okay.
11.) On the subject of making mistakes, remember, just as you wouldn’t want every youthful mistake, every wrong choice, every unfortunate decision to be broadcast to the world or even just joked about privately instead of being left in the past where it belongs, be sure to practice ‘The Golden Rule of Parenting’ and treat your children how you prefer to be treated.
12.) Keep in mind that the person you are now isn’t the person you were when you first started out on your journey into adulthood. Expecting your young adult children to think and experience and process life and events the way that you do now is like expecting a newborn baby to be able to pick up a book and read it. So set aside your expectations and just offer your support as they learn to navigate the world of adulthood on their own.
Remember, our life experience can help our adult children, but they need to gain their own life experiences. Our role as parents of adults is to find the balance between too much and too little of pretty much everything: advice, help, assistance, involvement, etc. The voice of experience has an immense amount of wisdom to offer, but only if it also has the wisdom to know when to remain silent.
Related posts:
Backtalk is Communication…LISTEN
The Gift of a Strong-Willed Child
Bridge Over Troubled Waters~Parenting a ‘Problem’ Child
Two Thousand Connection Points a Day: Attachment Parenting Beyond Infancy
A Boy, A Girl, and A Baby~Journey to Gentle Parenting
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Breastfeeding, Babywearing & Bouncing Back into Shape after Baby
[By L.R.Knost, author of Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages, Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood, and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline available on Amazon and through other major retailers.]
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There is no such thing as a ‘miracle’ weight-loss plan, but living a healthy, active life and eating nutritious meals doesn’t have to be all about sweat, sacrifice, and self-discipline, either. It can be about having fun, eating foods you love, and, best of all, it can fit right in with your lifestyle! By following a few basic nutritional guidelines and finding ways to fit exercise into your daily life, you can create your own ‘life plan’ and start moving toward your weight-loss and health goals.
1.) Practice the 3 B’s
Breastfeeding~Did you know that one of the best ways to lose weight after giving birth is to breastfeed? Breastfeeding uses about 300-500 of the calories you eat each day. That means if you eat the full amount of daily recommended calories for your weight, you’re actually dieting! I don’t recommend calorie-counting as a means of weight loss, but that’s a pretty cool fact, anyway! And when you add the fact that breastfeeding significantly reduces your risk of breast cancer and is super healthy for baby…win-win-win!
Babywearing ~Did you know that in addition to all of the amazing benefits to your baby, babywearing also offers you an excellent opportunity for a daily workout? Wearing your baby works your core and glutes specifically and gives you a full body workout, as well! Who needs a gym when housecleaning, walks on the beach, strolls through the mall, and just daily life in general are an excellent workout, all while keeping baby next to your heart and close enough for kisses?!?
Bouncing~Did you know that kegels can actually do more harm than good? Shallow knee bends like the ones mommies use instinctively when they bounce to soothe a fussy baby are the preferred method of improving the pelvic girdle! So say goodbye to the sneezing/laughing ‘leakies’ and hello to buns and thighs of steel!
2.) Healthy Eating, It Does a Body Good
Did you know that a low fat diet can actually make you fat? A diet of full-fat milk, real butter, real cane sugar, extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil, fat-marbled meat, eggs, nuts of all kinds, cheeses, fruits, veggies, and whole grain pastas and breads is far more likely to help you lose weight and maintain a healthy weight for life.
Along with enjoying these yummy foods, you’ll lose weight faster and be overall healthier by avoiding High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS – it’s in practically everything…breads, juices, jellies, etc…so you’ll have to read labels carefully!) and other corn-derived syrups and sugars, along with food dyes, margarine, vegetable/canola/safflower oils, and artificial sweeteners.
If you’ve got a sweet-tooth, denying yourself a treat can lead to overeating as you try to satisfy that urge with other foods. One way to combat that is to indulge in a small amount of ice cream (without HFCS or other corn syrups!) or dark chocolate, preferably in the evening because raising your blood sugar earlier in the day tends to increase your appetite for the rest of the day.
Keep in mind, letting yourself become hungry is one of the surest paths to overeating! It’s far better to eat multiple, small, snack-type meals throughout the day than to wait for meals when you’ll be hungrier and more likely to eat too much. Other benefits to ‘snacking’ instead of eating three full-on meals are 1.) Maintaining a consistent blood sugar, which aids in appetite control and helps your body escape the ‘survival’ instinct to store fat; 2.) Reducing your appetite naturally by eating smaller amounts at a time which helps your stomach to shrink; and 3.) Increasing your metabolism by consistently keeping your digestive system heated up in ‘burn mode.’
Sample meal plan:
1st Breakfast~
¼ cup almonds & ¼ cup raisins
2nd Breakfast~
1 whole egg (Yes, eat the yolk, too! That’s where most of the healthy nutrients are.)
1 Whole wheat English muffin with real butter and ¼ cup natural fruit preserves
8 oz. cottage cheese
Elevensees~
½ cup pretzels & 2 oz. whole-fat cheese
Lunch~
Spinach salad with ¼ cup shredded carrots, ¼ cup dried apricots or cranberries, 2 oz. whole-fat shredded cheese, 4 oz. shredded pork, 2 tbs. minced almonds or sunflower seeds , and 2-4 tbs. Balsamic Vinaigrette (Read the label and watch out for HFCS!)
Tea~
8 oz. yogurt & ¼ cup granola & ¼ cup berries
Supper~
Fettucini Alfredo, Meatball Sub, Pizza, whatever you want! Just fill up your plate as you normally would, then put back half. After you eat, wait 20 minutes and, if you’re still hungry, eat ¼ of what you put back. (Supper is where most people ‘fail’ because that’s the time most social eating occurs. Rather than denying yourself and setting yourself up for failure, this plan allows you to enjoy the foods and social life you’re accustomed to, while still cutting out ¼ to ½ of the calories you’d normally eat at this meal.)
Dessert~
For those with a sweet tooth, after supper is the best time for a few ounces of dark chocolate or ice cream! Pastries and cakes aren’t good choices for a treat, but if you indulge occasionally, no worries 🙂
Bedtime snack~
¼ cup almonds & ¼ cup dried pomegranates or cranberries
You can take this sample plan and switch out items from the same food group so it fits your tastes. For instance, if you don’t like salads, you could switch out the lunch salad with a baked whole grain pork burrito and top it with lettuce, tomato, cheese, etc. Just try to make sure that for every protein/fruit/veggie/dairy you take out, you put the same amount back in. (Sorry about The Hobbit reference. I couldn’t resist!)
3.) A Grateful Heart is a Healthy Heart
Science has proven that a good outlook on life improves not only the quality of a person’s life, but also the length and health aspects of their life. Taking time to intentionally focus on the good things in your life will improve your health, satisfaction, and overall happiness. Here are some ideas:
A.) Get outdoors! Heading out into the sunshine has been shown to improve a person’s mood as well as their health. There’s something about standing in the midst of towering trees or watching butterflies flutter by in the garden that makes stress just melt away. (And a daily dose of sunshine-induced Vitamin D is good for your bones!)
B.) Walka-Walka-Walka! Walking improves circulation and deepens breathing, both of which will make you feel more alive and ready to take on the world!
C.) Count your blessings! Taking time each day to list and be thankful for the good things in your life helps to create balance, making life feel more manageable when it begins to feel overwhelming.
D.) Volunteer! Reaching out to help your fellow humans in need is a great way to make your life feel a lot more purposeful and to help you get a healthy perspective on the stresses in your life.
E.) Laugh out loud! We all type that little ‘lol’ all the time when we’re online, but did you know that actually doing it, really and truly laughing out loud, releases stress-relieving, feel-good endorphins in our bodies? So watch a comedy routine, catch a funny old sit-com rerun, or just sit and enjoy a child playing for ten minutes, and you’ll be sure to laugh away the blues!
*Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. This is a guide (not a diet) that I created to return to my pre-pregnancy (Well, pre-pregnancies, actually, since I have six children!) shape and weight in a healthy and swift fashion and that I continue to follow for weight maintenance and healthy nutrition. This guideline is not designed for special health needs. Be sure to check with your doctor or other health professional if you have any health concerns.
Related posts:
Babywearing Basics Resource Guide
10 Ways to Play with your Children when Play is the Last Thing on your Mind
Parenting, Trickery & The Great Obesity Lie
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
Play~Bubbles and Babies and Butterflies
Sunshiny days fly on butterfly wings
Filled with wading pools, sidewalk chalk, springy-time things
Bubbles and babies and bear-bottomed rompers
Mudpies and magpies and jump-rope trick jumpers
Swinging and sliding and climbing and running
Learning, discovering, growing, becoming
No time to waste they are seizing the day
The work of a child is simply to play
Best. Schoolday. Ever!
Related posts:
On a Winnie the Pooh style ‘long explore’ my little Pooh Bear discovered the world in The Many Adventures of My Little Pooh Bear
Children who love to read…READ! Engaging children’s hearts in the wonder of reading instead of just training their minds in its mechanics. Raising Bookworms
Think homeschooled children are unsocialized, over-controlled, locked-away-from-the-world misfits? Think again! My Renaissance Girl
In the world of a child wonders are as simple as sticks and sheets, leaves and books, boxes and giggles, and the promise in a rainy day. The Seven Wonders of the World of Childhood
There is such a rush these days to get children sleeping through the night, weaned off the breast, eating solid foods, potty trained, reading independently, and on and on, that we seem to have lost the ability to simply enjoy life as it happens and let our children do the same. A Return to Childhood
Parenting choices strongly impact the level and type of attachment a child develops and, by extension, the development of a love of learning. A love of learning grows when it isn’t stifled by fear or stress or regimented by over-structuring or a focus on achievement or competition. Parents fostering a healthy attachment are thus also fostering a life-long love of learning in their children. Live to Play~Play to Learn~Learn to Live!
Successful reading means far more than possessing the ability to read. Engaging the hearts of students moves reading success beyond a life skill and turns it into a life style. And graphic novels are too powerful of a tool in our arsenal to be disregarded because of pride or prejudice. Raising Super Readers~The MARVELous Power of Comic Books!
If you give a toddler a book
He’ll climb into your lap
While he’s in your lap
He might lay his head on your chest
When he lays his head on your chest
He’ll hear your heartbeat
When he hears your heartbeat
He’ll probably ask if you can hear…
Award-winnning author, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Books by L.R.Knost include Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood ; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages ; The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline ; and Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting the first four books in the Little Hearts Handbook gentle parenting series, and children’s picture books Petey’s Listening Ears and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series.
